Up The Duff... Is it a horse, is it a baby, is it really so God darn expensive?
Categories: Babies, Just for mums, Pregnancy & birth, Baby essentials, Up the duff without a paddle
What happens when you're 37, almost infertile, in a new relationship and you go and get pregnant by accident? Find out in Sarah's weekly column: Up the Duff Without a Paddle. I had my second midwife appointment this week, and it is confirmed that I'm giving birth to a racehorse. We tuned into Baby FM, with the handheld monitor that the midwife brought with her, and it was clear as day a racehorse galloping at full speed.
So, we're binning the plan to create a nursery and building a stable instead. We need lots of hay, apparently, and a big shovel to clear horse poo, but it should still work out cheaper, easier and less smelly than looking after a baby.
That's if the Excel spreadsheet of baby needs a friend sent to me and pregnant friends this week is to be believed.I kid you not, this spreadsheet (and it needed to be a spreadsheet) has 83 items on it, ranging from bibs to waterproof mattresses. I know, waterproof mattresses, in case your waters break in bed. Nice. I'm not sure how my man feels about swimming about in a big wet patch, though maybe it's a strike back for womankind. Hurrah!
Another friend quickly responded to the spreadsheet to say that her sister put black bin bags under a mattress topper, and that did the job when her waters broke. Cripes, it just gets more glamorous doesn't it?
Anyway, it seems that it's going to cost £576,458.93p to prepare properly for this baby, and we've got about £500 at the last count. We've decided to focus on the basics, so it's nappies, a Moses basket, baby-gros and...erm...oh Christ what else does it need? Oh no, the anxiety is kicking in again. Where's the spreadsheet?!
The car seat thing is perplexing me. Apparently you can't take your baby home from the hospital unless you have a car seat, and fair play. But surely that only matters if you've got a car. What if I want to walk home from hospital carrying my baby in a bucket? Do they let you do that? Can I walk out of the hospital with my baby in a bucket? One of those soft rubbery ones, not a metal one as that would be cruel.
In other news, I've been listening this week to various debates around UK professor Dr Denis Walsh's controversial claim that women should embrace the pain of childbirth as a bonding rite of passage rather than opt for drugs.
I know how I feel about that, and it's as sympathetic as I'd feel to the idea of embracing a car crash as a way of bonding with the road, and my general vibe seems to be shared by at least half of the child-rearing population. No prizes for guessing which half.
The funniest thing I heard, though, was this, via an email read out on the BBC's The One Show on Monday. It simply said: "If wives had the first baby and husbands had the second baby, there would be no fourth children. Kerpow!
Read more of Sarah's Thursday columns here.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Joanne Mallon 7-17-2009 @ 4:20AM
Sarah, it doesn't have to cost so much - don't believe the hype!
Moses basket = you don't need one, just go straight to cot
Babygros = people will buy you a gazillion of these, so you only need a starter pack of about 5, which you can pick up for a fiver. You don't even need proper outfits for the first few months, as baby will probably live in babygros
Milk = you can provide that yourself, for free
Nappies = supermarket own brand are absolutely fine
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Gry Hatch-Arfeldt 7-25-2009 @ 5:44AM
Congratulations to you both on your impending addition.
I had sold all my baby stuff when my number 3 announced her arrival, and i had to buy everything all over again. My new best friend is ebay. I got all the big buys ie. John Lewis cot, Mamas and Papas Ultima pram and a new M&P car seat for £160 pounds. If this was to be bought new i would just been able to buy the carseat. The variety is great so you have lots to choose from both old and new, and save even more by just buying the basics. Babies grow up too fast so you will find that half the stuff you get given/ buy will not be used, so you can sell it and make some money to buy the next stage of stuff. Recycling is the best way forward ;) If you choose not to go the breast way keep and eye out over the next few months before baby comes , Asda, babies r us and mothercare tends to do half price sales on tommetippie bottles and sterilisers. And that way you can save alot aswell. I will stop rambling now. You enjoy your new addition. .
xx
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Julie 1-18-2010 @ 1:41PM
All you need is love, shelter, food and some warm clothes.
You could use a laundry basket as a crib, use normal towels instead of special ones, cut a big blanket in 4 (too much fabric could smoother), use pots and pans as toys, use signigicantly less detergent to wash baby clothes instead of special mild ones, regular mild soaps and moisturizers that you would normally use for a bath. One does not need carriers or special bags to carry all that gear, just be creative and use your biggest purse or a school bag. Your baby will never know the difference, but if you are stressed your baby will feel that. If one can wants beautiful baby items it certainly is nice to have however not necessary. Nice things does do not make happy mothers/baby, love and affection do. Life is what you make of it, if you want to buy special baby items then do it proudly, if you do not want/cannot get these things then hold your head up high and and be proud of how innovative us mothers can be when we want to.
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