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Kate asks:

I have a question about my nephew. What do you say to a bright 6-year-old who is specifically asking you for confirmation that Grandma is now in heaven, when you don't believe yourself? Small boy's mother is in the background energetically nodding her head at you to say yes. I don't know what to do.

Here's life coach Joanne's reply:

Dear Kate

I am very sorry for your family's loss. This situation is slightly complicated by the fact that it's not your own child that you're talking about. So in this specific case, yes, I would defer to the mother if she is indicating that she wants you to go along with what he's asking. Find a way to do it that sits well with your own beliefs - just smile and stroke his head if that's all you want to do.

He's a child whose world has just been rocked, and he's looking to you for reassurance, so that's what you need to give him. Plenty of time for theological debate as he gets older. In fact I think it can be a positive thing for a child to have people in their lives with a variety of beliefs. So you will get the chance to be a role model and discuss your beliefs with him. But not when his Granny's just died.

Having been in this situation with my own children, I observed that it was a great sense of comfort to them to think of someone who's died as an Angel who's gone "up there". Death is a profound experience, and a challenge for anyone to cope with, least of all a little child. So they will tend to relate it to things they know and can think about in concrete ways. And since they've probably seen some sort of representation of angels, or heard people talk about heaven, this is a way for them to get more of a handle on what's happened.

There's a good list here of books about bereavement for young children, and I also want to recommend Michael Rosen's Sad Book. Perhaps you could get one of these for your nephew and use it as a way for you both to talk about this sad experience.

Very best wishes

Joanne

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Related: How do you talk to your kids about death?

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