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Teresa writes:

How do I handle the problem of a daughter seeing a man 12 years her elder who the family does not like? We have no grounds for this dislike just a gut feeling. This is a newish relationship and she is already talking about holidays and moving in with him. I'm aware that she is an adult but I'm still very worried.

Here's life coach Joanne's advice:


Dear Teresa

You don't say how old your daughter is, but I take it that she's fairly young. The younger the person is, the more an age gap seems to make a difference, as they will be at different stages in life. A 30 year old going out with a 42 year old is very different to a 16 year old dating a 28 year old. But age gap relationships do sometimes work, so I think you need to tread carefully with this one.

Even if your daughter is an adult, it doesn't take much for most people's inner teenage rebel to surface. So if you try to put her off him, you'll probably have the opposite effect and end up pushing her into his arms even more.

Get to know him before you make a judgement. Invite him round or arrange to go out with them together. How does he treat your daughter - does he make her happy? See their relationship close up. If she's only doing this to be rebellious then this will soon become obvious.

Try to get a bit more specific about what it is you don't like about him. Is it something he's said or done? Ask your daughter what she likes about him - perhaps he does have good qualities that you haven't seen yet.

Aside from the age issue, I think any mother would be concerned if it looked like her daughter was rushing into setting up home with someone she'd just met. By all means voice your concerns, but sometimes our children make choices we wouldn't. The parent's challenge is to make it clear that you still love them even if you disagree with their choice.

Good luck

Joanne

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