Ask Joanne - Teenager won't say where she's going
Categories: Kids+, Behaviour and Development, Ask Joanne, Teens
What's your biggest challenge in family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request
Harriet writes:
My 16-year-old daughter is making life hard. She doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong. She went to a sleepover with a friend, then shopping, where she met up with a boy (on/off boyfriend). They had a massive argument. She wouldn't answer her phone then told us she was staying with 'friends' we didn't know, wouldn't tell us where she was. She turned off her phone and we lost contact. Next morning she continued to have her phone off and eventually made contact. She dismissed our requests to tell us where she was or to come home. By 10pm we phoned the police to report her missing.
She was eventually found, had been taking drugs and still refused to come home, ending up at my son's. He brought her back. In total she had been missing for 72 hours. She is not at all apologetic for what she did, what we as a whole family went through, all relationships seem to be broken now and she is adamant she's going to a party next week!
Please help, we are totally at a loss to know what to do now.
Here's our life coach's reply:
Dear Harriet
Oh dear, she's really putting you through the mill, isn't she?
Sixteen is a funny kind of inbetweeny age. In some ways society regards the sixteen year old as an adult, allowing them to leave school, get married, play the lottery, get a job, join the army or apply for a licence to deal in scrap metal (yes, really!).
But as you are experiencing, sixteen is also very young. Taking responsibility for your actions and feeling empathy towards others are not always top of the agenda. Is it any wonder teenagers feel mixed up and angry?
The question that springs to my mind is: who is funding her lifestyle – the phone and nights out etc? If she's got a job and is funding it herself, then I think you have less say in how she spends her time. But if you are still totally supporting her financially, then I think you have the right to establish certain ground rules.
Sit down calmly together to establish what these ground rules might be, for example, no turning the phone off. How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk is a good book that will give you practical strategies about how to approach this.
Look for ways for her to have more responsibility in her life, either around the house or via a paid job. Activities involving animals or younger children can be very good for drawing out a teenager's ability to think of others.
Good luck and best wishes
Joanne
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
katherine 1-20-2010 @ 3:10AM
my daughter did the same plus more,my parents funded her without consulting me in what can be discribed as a popularity contest;but now my daughter years later is expecting her own baby girl . I know the instinct is to jump in and do as much as poss,perhaps thats what my parents thought was best but this ended in undermining my parenting to my children and also meant i had to try dealing with my parents actions before even beginning to tackle my childrens behaviour.Ironically my daughters friend has just experianced her girl running off at the age of 14 and my daughter said she had no idea that I had experianced all that she has just seen her friend go through.Ironically the emails my daughter sends are all about doing all the things she remembers me doing,all the home making skills etc but i remain distant, having been a daughter having been a mum and now facing becoming a grandmother,I know that over the years I have imparted all that I know and have learnt on to my children, even they have said "it wont be because you didnt tell us ,it'll be because we didnt listen" and i figure by being quiet and removed at least the obsticle of having to overcome the grandparent bit wont be there for her, and being "on tap" she will heed me more,I've given her the book of not kahlil gibran "the prophet",the childs story book of "some day you'll know" and taken heed of the proverb "stand still ,do nothing, and everything is done"I am polite to her but always remindful of the fact that when she chose to do all these things dispite peer pressure or any other "force" that can be blamed, she knows as well as I do that she decided to do these things without a care for the outcome because youngsters only see in the here and now,and by allowing anyone else to step in and "rescue" the child from learning the reprocussions of their actions from a young age ,the fall out is still felt years on. Finally ,what I always found ,through out ,was just how many people [ parents of younger children or none at all] who would say" I,d never let my child do that" and six months later they are facing the same thing and asking you how you dealt with it.My reply is" the laughter I get from people like you having to eat their words" Never say never, like all things they are but passing phases, be it the sleepless nights and nappy changes ,the terrible 2's and teething its just different stages,nature designs it so you dont love your 15 month old the same way you love them at 15 years of age,its all part of the process of growing up or theyd never leave.Making light of it can help by saying you'll do a" lost old biddy bit "where by the police will have to find you bedragled somewhere and drag you round all the friends and hang outs of your child in order to find your off spring with the responsiblity of you .
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