Parenting dilemma: People think my husband shouldn't stay at home with our daughter
Categories: Parenting dilemmas
Q: I'm getting increasingly annoyed with a few of my friends and family. I am a high earner so my husband and I have decided that I will return to work while he looks after our daughter full time. It has been a big decision for him to give up work and become a 'house husband' but everyone is saying that a daughter needs her mother and my career should come second. What do I say to them? I am beginning to think we are doing something horribly wrong. A: Unfortunately, some people feel they are qualified to pass comment on domestic arrangements and can be extremely judgmental. They have no right to do this and the best thing you can do is bite your tongue, thank them for their opinion and state that this is your chosen course of action and you are both very happy with this decision.
Equally, rest assured that you are doing nothing wrong at all. What matters most to a child is a loving, happy home – and shelter, food and clothes! Money does not grow on trees and if your financial situation dictates that you return to work instead of your husband, then so be it.
It is also worth bearing in mind that there are many working parents in the UK who would relish having one parent stay at home, rather than send their child to nursery or a child minder. Not only does it save on cost, it also makes life so much easier if your child is ill or not ready to wake up (which can happen!)
It is of course a big decision for any parent to leave their job and stay at home, whether that is the mother or the father. So right now you need to remain positive for your partner's sake. The good news is there are an increasing number of dad-specific parenting websites that your partner can refer to for advice on day-to-day issues or information on activities such as music, swimming, playgroups etc.
Parenting is a joint effort, and dads at playgroup are no longer a rarity – there are always a few dads (even granddads!) around that your husband can team up with if he feels the need.
Being a parent is a tough job and the negativity of others is not going to help you or your husband. So keep positive and rise above these silly comments. Your domestic arrangements are of no consequence to anybody else and if you are happy with your decision, then your course of action is totally correct.
Are you or your partner a stay at home dad? Has it worked for you?
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
emma dixon 2-03-2010 @ 11:04PM
well done. i'm a stay at home mum and i am seeing more dads at toddler groups. the kids love having a male around to.
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Ianto 2-04-2010 @ 5:56AM
Well I,m currently a stay at home Dad I can't say that I'm enjoying it that much. I enjoy my time with my 3yr old daughter but I can do without the rest of it. I take my hat off to all the women through the ages that have undertaken the task of keeping a home together. I seem to do the same things day after day. Get up, do breakfast, get the washing on, wash up, get the little'un bathed and dressed, get myself bathed and dressed, tidy up, clean, shop, cook and on and on. Tedious. I know that some men like it, I don't.
Jonathan lewis 2-04-2010 @ 7:14AM
I am a stay at home dad and I look after my 2 daughters one 8 and one 2 years old, I had to as my wife was offered her old job back after I lost mine a year ago. I am 48 and it was a shock at first because you just don't realize how much work a woman really does in the home. Would I change back NO I love the time I spend with the kids and I am a better Dad for it, I have learned how to cook, clean and have a head ache at night lol. I think the way the World is now you have to do what's best for your circumstance and bubbles to any opinions about what's right and wrong.
skyblu64 2-04-2010 @ 1:50AM
I was a stay at home hubby for my 3rd child, (1st in my 2nd marriage). I was able to do this as a result of having a management run business, i still did most of the book keeping from home.My wife was in nurse training at the time and didn't want to be put back 6 months, she had to work very hard to keep up with her studies. She's now a Fully trained nurse. Bringing up my son for the first 4 years of his life was without doubt the best experience of my life. The bond we have now will hopefully last for the rest of my life, i have an older son and daughter from my 1st marriage, and wish i could have had the same input.
The decisions we made were for practical reasons not financial, as we feel that passing your very young child onto a nursery is wrong. If you can't afford children, don't have them till you can.
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celia 2-04-2010 @ 2:12AM
My husband used to love time on his own with our daughter; i worked part time after returning to work from maternity leave but my husband would sometimes take time off so's not to miss the precious moments when they are babies etc and grow so fast!
I think its great seeing more dads at baby or toddler groups!
People who disagree about dads being house husbands etc need to drag themselves into the real world.....i.e. todays world!!
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Mr J Ayre 2-04-2010 @ 2:36AM
I have been a House Husband for the last 5 years I was previously a Chef also currently I am taking all my kids to school and looking after my 2 year old daughter. I cook 7 days a week also as my Wife cannot really cook very well, so to all those jealous working Mums ( as you do receive animousity spawned my jealously and old fashinoned opinions ) tough! i do a very good job and my Wife loves it me cooking all the time etc, and her getting to do a job she loves this is 2010 and Partners talk more now in with the new and out with the old. And ignore the douters it can be hard as i have had a lot , you have to realize alot who complain ( would actually really love to be in your husband position
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Doreen 2-04-2010 @ 2:42AM
My brother raised his two daughters on his own, the youngest is now 33. There is no reason why a man can't raise children just as well as a woman and anyone who says otherwise should look at themselves for a reason for feeling he can't. Are they missing something.
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Ian Somers 2-04-2010 @ 3:37AM
I am a 50 year old father of two girls aged 11 & 8. In my second marriage also with a 14 year old step daughter. My wife is the bread winner in our household. I have suddenly found myself on a three day week and this does not help me with my own massive debts carried over from my divorce, BUT I love looking after the children and the home they have with me. ( It is a far more stable environment than my my own childrens mother could give them, its a shame it took the courts to prove that). I am an excellent cook,
25 years as a nurse gives me more than enough knowledge about about health and hygiene and I am a dab hand at at practically all DIY jobs. The only thing I cannot do is knit ! (or have children )
However I didn't need qualifications or anybodys opinions about housekeeping and child rearing, it should come as an instinct to anyone with a any sense of care and responsibility to help bring up your children and be involved in their lives regardless of whether you are male or female. I bet the feminists out there are foaming at the mouth.
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Jerome Peter 2-04-2010 @ 8:32AM
Feminists are permanently foaming at the mouth.
Regardless of what a man does he is attacked by these certifiably unbalanced women. Off topic I know but Hopefully more women will also begin realising that these women loathe women just as much as they hate men, lord knows they have caused enough social strife and confusion over the last forty years and got away with it.
mike 2-04-2010 @ 4:28AM
I look after my three year old and it is a rewarding, but sometimes lonely experience. I know that as I am in my forties it is going to be very hard to get back into work one day, particularly with stigma attached to being a househusband. However, I feel I have a closer bond with my child and it is a special time. People have to remember that may men don't have the opportunity to be the main bread winner these days and though I'd love to be the provider, it just isn't practical. In years to come these old stigmas will disappear.
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dellboy 2-04-2010 @ 4:35AM
great for all you guys that stay and look after the kids, i was a house husband for 2 of my kids and i think i did a great job however because i stayed at home my stamp duty was not paid to brown and his croanies and now i am disabled after an accident i cannot get any sick related benefits due to a shortfall in my stamp duty and also my state pension is not up to date.
just check your stamp duty first lads you might be in for a big shock, i thought it was equel right here in uk but somehow it isnt.
sorry to put a dampner on it but you may find yourself in the creak if your unlucky as i was.
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roucla 2-04-2010 @ 5:08AM
I have been at home looking after my daughter since she was 6 months old - Its difficult being a stay at home father as you can get a bit sidelined by judgmental people but I would say they are in the minority. I have always had a good reponse from male & female, young and old - Society as changed a lot over the last 30 years these peopple should tell there friends to grow up. My wife was takeing her proffesional qualifications at the 3 1/2 years ago and I was part time haveing been full time previously .
Although our daughter has used the free government entitlement to nurseries I think that children get more out of being with a parent, Mom or Dad.
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russell 2-04-2010 @ 6:04AM
I have been a house husband for the last 6 years my eldest is 6 and my youngest is 21 months now i have also become a single dad as my wife has left
i do the cooking cleaning ironing in fact everything i have for the last 6 years and i must say i am great at it the eldest is at school for 9am i get home do the cleaning washing and get tea ready then ive got about 4 hours till i pick him up from school in that time i spend it playing with my 21 month old painting makeing a mess and so on i take him to toddler group twice a week and there is only 1 other dad there the rest are mothers or child minders i think i have the best job in the would and i would not change anything and they say men cart do 2 things at once well im a
( DAD cook doctor teacher cearer pearent ) and i love every minuite of it so if you are thinking of becomeing a stay at home dad i say go for it its the best unpayed job there is and we can do it just as good as the mothers
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Saz 2-04-2010 @ 11:22AM
These people who are critisizing you - have they ever offered to help out with the childcare? Sounds a bit like my family! Keep doing what you are doing and be proud that you have a house trained Hubby!! I know I am.
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KAte 2-04-2010 @ 7:00AM
We also swaped roles, my husband took on the homecare while I went back to work for financial reasons.We also suffered from the comments of our 'friends' and family. I was 'emasculating' him, he was being a 'kept man'. It's all rubbish. They were jealous that we had had the courage to make the right decisions for our family without all the stereotyping hangups and they hadn't. Now our late teenage boys are planning to be a Policeman and a Teacher. Both are well adjusted, happy kids. Parenting is not about being a man or a woman it's about loving your kids and enjoying your time with them. Be confident you have made the right choice for you.
Oh yes ..& all those 'friends' who took such an interest ...not on the christmas card list anymore! Good luck
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Sarah 2-07-2010 @ 3:59PM
i resigned from work to be a full time mother and house wife. my husband worked although he has been layed off recently. i have more job opportunities than he does and so now it seems its my turn to go back to work, at the moment im waiting to hear from an interview for a job that is 24 hours p/w thu to sun on a two week shift rota. i suppose one of us has to work full time and one stay at home, i just can't get round to the idea of 24 hours a week of child care it kind of beats the object of having a family (that is to us, i know everyone is different) there is not much difference between the amount we earn, so it makes no odds whos bread winner. josh is 2 and iv taught him so much and raised him with love. ill miss my time im not with him.
My only real problem is if we both do part time and getting the hours not to clash, or if one does full time and one stays at home, or if one does part time and the other does full time and we have a nanny to help with clashing hours...... oh its so complicated, why is life not simple like in the third world. our values are each other and not about material things so its not about the money. we just want enough for gas electric and food and bus fair ya know??
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Norman 2-04-2010 @ 8:05AM
Gavin mentions genetic roots. I had an accident at work and had to have a triple bypass. after six weeks I got the shock that my company had folded and I no longer had a job to go back too. I could not look for work and ended up on benefits. It drove me mad but I stuck with it. I still have no job after 2 years because of ageism
and had to adjust. My wife works part time and because of this I get no benefits. I do everything about the house and shop and do gardening, look after both sets of parents and now my wife is in hospital with cancer. I do not agree with Gavin as I am a protector therefore I put the welfare of the family above my own needs and whatever it takes then that is what has to be done.
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kitty mitchell 3-16-2010 @ 8:01AM
Norman, for some reason I can't see Gavin's post but I get the idea. But I must say, you are being a man and that deserves every bit of respect. I am very happy to hear there are men out there like you who take responsability for their families, that is what being a dad/ husband is all about and I believe looking after our parents in old age is also part of our responsability. Men who think that all they are required to do is go to work and the rest of the time is their's are very sad, selfish, childish creatures. That is the attitude of a spotty teenager who rushes their homework so they can go out and play!! Men (and women's) responsability it to look after their families in whatever way is most practical, just because 'most' men go to work, it doesn't mean that's the way all men have to care for thier families.
shaz 2-06-2010 @ 4:31AM
hi my husband has been a house husband for over 6 years while i work . he cooks cleans tidys washes up and does the laundry and he makes sure that our 3 lads of 11 16 18 are up for college and school he does the school run for the the younger one as he is disabled.our older lad is training to be fireman our other son leaves school this year he wants to train as a paramedic or vet. it hasnt done them any harm with me going to work. and i was the one that wanted to work. dont listen to other people this is about what is right for you your husband and child. good luck
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merv 2-04-2010 @ 8:18AM
God bless you Norman!
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