Q: My wife and I have an eight-week-old daughter. The problem is I am starting to feel very pushed out. My wife is breast feeding so there is not much I can do there, but when it comes to night feeds I want to take over once my wife has finished feeding, and do useful things such as winding and soothing our daughter back to sleep. But she won't let me as she worries about me having to work the next day. I see the strain in her face but she just won't let me take over – what do I say or do?

A: It is very common for the man to feel a little pushed out once a woman has given birth and begins the process of bonding with her baby. The bond between a mother and her child is a very intense connection, and women can automatically slip into the practice of being the main care provider, even when help is on hand and readily available.

Of course, the bond between a father and his daughter is also very strong and should never be underestimated, and it is no wonder you are feeling left out if your wife won't allow you to take a more hands-on role.

However, it is probably the case that she hasn't quite realised she is making you feel this way. Those first few weeks of parenting are particularly exhausting and right now she is distracted by focusing on the baby, mastering breast feeding; and recovering from pregnancy and birth, and coping with exhaustion.

The best thing you can do to address this is simply talk to her, if you haven't already. Make sure you are gentle in your approach and explain to her that you see she is tired and just want to help and get involved.
Women are responsive to talking through feelings, and she probably just needs a gentle nudge to make her see how much you want to get involved and what it would mean to you. Also, give her the chance to compromise – maybe you could offer to take over at weekends if she remains concerned about your work situation?

Alternatively, perhaps you could have a private word with her health visitor, who can probably offer some words of wisdom. They have seen this situation many times before, and are there to help you as well.

Finally, it is worth remembering that your wife is only human and there will come a point when the tiredness becomes too much and she will reach out to you. In the meantime, don't underestimate the power of loving conversation and hopefully the situation will start to improve sooner rather than later.

Did you feel left out as a new father?