What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request.

Claire writes:

My daughter will be three in June and has never slept through the night. After three years of lack of sleep I am in need of help. She refuses to go to bed, no matter how tired she is so, she falls asleep either on my knee or in a pushchair downstairs. She will usually be asleep by 8pm. I put her straight up into her own bed.

She is usually out of bed and either downstairs or in our room between 10.30-midnight. She screams and cries and refuses to go down in her own bed even if I lie with her. I know this is the wrong thing to do but she ends up in our bed every night as I will do anything for some sleep. She isn't a very good eater and I don't know if this is a factor. She still wakes and drinks milk throughout the night but I think is more out of habit and comfort (as she refuses to have a dummy), rather than hunger. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Here's the life coach's reply:


Dear Claire

I really feel for you, as it is easy to start doing something when you are exhausted with a young baby, and before you know it a year has passed and the habit is ingrained and much harder to change.

The thing that really sticks out from your message is how much it sounds like your daughter is the one in charge – she "refuses" to go to bed, sleeps where she wants to and drinks throughout the night when you know she doesn't really need it. (By the way, unless you are brushing her teeth throughout the night as well, this night time drinking could lead to serious dental problems later on).

In the kindest possible way, I think your daughter needs her parents to step up and be parents and help her to learn some good sleep habits that will help her throughout the rest of her life. You are technically in charge, but your daughter is calling the shots, and you need to take back that control.

Yes the food issue is probably related, but I think it is probably wise to tackle one thing at a time rather than try to solve her sleep and food issues at once. Perhaps it might be easier to start by focusing on building up her food intake, because at least that's during the day, so you should hopefully have more energy.

Decide on what you want your night time routine to be, and stick to it, no matter how much your daughter protests. There's some more advice here about what to include in your bedtime routine. Make it a rule that there is to be no more going to sleep downstairs. Sticker charts can work quite well with children of this age as an incentive.

Your daughter's habits are very deeply ingrained, so she won't give them up without a fight, and this situation may get worse before it gets better. But if you don't start to tackle this now, when will you? Very soon she'll be in school, and a lack of sleep may have an impact on her education.

Best wishes and good luck,

Joanne



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