What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request.


Kay writes:

My second daughter is just over two-and-a-half years old and has always been
'determined'. I never give in to her with the constant demands, but I cannot
stand the screeching she insists on doing several times every day.

It really drives me mad and makes me so depressed. Everyone for miles around can hear her as she is so loud. Sometimes I have no idea why she is even screeching, other times it is because she is demanding something like a biscuit just before lunch time and she just won't accept that she has to wait. I have tried taking her to my homeopath but so far, nothing works for any length of time. What can I do?

Here's the life coach's reply:



Dear Kay

I do sympathise, it's like nails down a blackboard isn't it?

The difficulty for children of this age is that they can generally understand much more than they can say. So they get frustrated at not being able to express themselves verbally, and will react physically instead. In some children this can result in kicking, biting or as in your case, screaming.

The other source of frustration for your average toddler is that they are waking up to the fact that they're not in control of their own lives, and they want to be. So someone else is telling them what to do, what to wear and no, you can't have a biscuit just before lunch. And for an independent-minded child, this is hard to take. In time, your daughter's determined personality will be a wonderful asset, but right now you're seeing the worst end of it.

I have some previous features on this that I think will be useful to you. Here's how to get your child to listen when you say no. And this one is about the importance of picking your battles.

When my daughter used to screech like this, I would calmly say, "crying and shouting won't get you anything" and walk away. By repeating those exact words like a mantra every time, eventually she got the message. The worst thing to do with this kind of behaviour is to engage with it. Turn your back, leave the room, pay attention to your older child. This is attention-seeking behaviour, so you need to let her know that it won't work. Praise the child who's behaving well rather than telling off the one who's acting up.

Over the next week, if she starts screeching, look for triggers. Does it happen at a particular time of day, when she's tired? Are there foods that set her off? What has happened in the hours beforehand? Once you've identified where it's coming from, you will be better equipped to avoid these triggers.

She will come through this phase, but there's no denying that it's stressful. Make a plan to get some time for yourself away from your children within the next week. It's an essential sanity saver and you'll be better equipped to deal with them when you return.

All the best and good luck,

Joanne


Send your question in to our life coach at this address