What's your dilemma about any aspect of life as a parent? Our experienced life coach Joanne Mallon is here to answer your questions. Send your questions in here and say if you'd like your name to be changed.


Achupalla writes:

I don't have any family in England. When I married my husband I thought my mother-in-law was trying hard to help me with how to go about in my new country.

Eleven years later I've just realised she has been manipulating us all along. We decided to have the First Communion of my daughter just for the three of us plus my parents-in-law and told them so. She has invited my brother-in-law without asking us. My husband as always, has accepted this, he never wants to antagonise his mother. We didn't want to invite him, as two years ago we went to his house
and he and his wife were absolutely mean to us. How do I stop her interfering?

Here's the life coach's reply:



Dear Achupalla

There is a reason why comedians tell jokes about mothers-in-law - it's a relationship that's fraught with potential for difficulties.

As this is your husband's mother, it's up to him to deal with problems on his side of the family. How does he feel about the things she has done? What do you need him to do or say to support you?

Also, look to your own actions and reactions - do you really think it's wise to carry a grudge two years on? For the sake of wider family relations, it might be wiser to let this one go. And think about building your own support network of friends so you aren't so reliant on your husband's family.

Try not to let your animosity towards your mother in law get in the way of her relationship with her grandchild. As to how you can stop her from interfering - well, you may never be able to stop entirely. But try to see that she doesn't see it as interfering - from her perspective she's helping. You can't control how another person behaves, but you can control how you react to it. If you simply smile and thank her for her advice, but ultimately ignore it, life will be easier for you both.

You have the ultimate power in this relationship, since you make all the major decisions about your child's life. Your mother-in-law may be feeling threatened by this. Perhaps she saw the First Communion as a way to build bridges in the family. Don't assume that she was just doing it to get at you.

This is a long term family relationship, so over time you will have to find a way to get along. Is she the sort of person you can be honest with? Can you tell her how you feel and get things out in the open? Or is it better not to take it personally and move on? Whatever you decide, if you want things to change then you can make it happen, but it starts with changing yourself.

Good luck and best wishes,

Joanne

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