What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request


Miranda writes:

I am a mother of two boys, aged 19 and 14, and a partner of their father. We all live in the same house. I would like to have a bit more of a relationship with my son, who I have found over the last year or two to be rather difficult. He is very competitive by nature and has very high aims. He is very similar to his father and they spend a lot of time cycling together every weekend, and every other evening training.

I worry that he has been pushing himself too much, and has had an asthmatic wheeze/cough that stopped him cycling for four months. Fortunately, he seems to be getting over this at the moment. He is racing at national level, and all that it entails. I do find him very rude at times, and very aggressive. We are working on this one and I have to talk to him like another adult to remind him how he is coming across.

My main issue is with his father who does not seem to have the same ideas about parenting, and likes to play the friend rather than do much of the parenting. We have been together over 20 years and I really wonder if it is time to go our own way. I seem to have become this cycling widow and find it rather lonely. We cannot seem to agree on anything and hardly do anything together.

I am considering going to see my brother in Australia for a visit. I don't think that my son would come with me, although I would like him to do that, but somehow feel that he would not go because of all the cycling events he may miss out on. Should I embrace this opportunity to go it alone?

Here's the life coach's reply:

Dear Miranda

It's funny how men get so obsessed with cycling. I can understand your frustration, but when you think about all the things that a 19-year-old could be doing, cycling is probably a very good way of occupying his time.

I hear that you are concerned that the cycling is not good for his health. Nineteen-year-olds tend to think that they will live forever, so although technically he's responsible for his own health, it's natural that you're worried for him. But I think you have to let him make his own choices, even if they aren't the choices you would make.

Normally when a person wants to be more of a mate than a parent, it's not a good sign. Children benefit from the security and boundaries offered by parents. It's very different to their relationship with friends, and rightly so. But your son is not a little kid any more, and as he matures so will your relationship. There may also be an element of your partner reliving his own youth and literally trying to keep up with the kids. Or maybe he's just trying to forge an adult relationship with your son on his level.

You say you want a better relationship with your son – exactly what would that involve? What would be happening that's not happening now? What would you be doing differently? Think about it in concrete terms and it will be easier to achieve.

Many couples do find it tough as children get older and become more independent. There's more space for you and your partner's relationship, and this can highlight any cracks that are there. But I think it's important to look at your relationship with your husband and your relationship with your son separately.

Do I think you should take the trip to Australia? Absolutely yes. But don't see it as a big flounce off from your family. See it as a way to have fun on your own terms and some space to think about where your life is going next.

Good luck,

Joanne


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