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L writes:

I have a 14-year-old daughter who has become extremely selfish and lazy. She will not help out around the house claiming "I didn't see any mess". If she is asked to clear anything up she'll say she didn't make the mess so shouldn't have to clean it up or she'll say she's in the middle of something else and 'can't' do it.

She's rude, argumentative and unreasonable. I've sat her down and explained to her that her behaviour is not acceptable, but she claims she's not doing anything wrong and doesn't see that she's being a problem.

I can't cope with being disrespected anymore and I can't make her see that being this lazy is not a good way to be. Frustrated is an understatement. Most parents tell me to be grateful she's not out on the streets drinking and smoking etc, which I am, but that doesn't excuse her attitude. Any ideas?

Here's the life coach's reply:



Dear L

I think it's part of a teenager's job description to wind their parents up. But from what you say your daughter is basically a good kid when it comes to the big issues. Praise her for that, and focus on her good qualities. If she ever goes off the rails you'll wish you did.

If you look at it from her perspective, what she's saying makes sense. Who would want to clear up somebody else's mess, or go do a boring job if they were in the middle of something more interesting? I wouldn't, would you? Teenagers often need more of an explanation or a context rather than simply being ordered to do something.

How much pocket money do you give her, and what are the ground rules for that? What (if anything) does she have to do to earn it? If she can see that there is a relationship between how she contributes to the house and what she receives in return, then she may be more inclined to pitch in.

It can really help a child of this age if they have some opportunity to be more responsible and focus on something away from themselves. This could be a hobby or a Saturday job; babysitting or looking after pets. What does your daughter enjoy doing? What could you encourage her to do?

I also recommend the book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk for lots more practical ideas on how you can communicate better and improve your relationship.

Good luck and best wishes,

Joanne

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