What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request


Lisa asks:

I have a ten-year-old daughter who I love very much, but I feel as though I'm always undermining her and making her feel worthless. She is a Iovely girl but has very low self esteem and confidence.

I'm not sure how I can build her confidence and make her feel self worth, as I have other younger children who are more demanding and dependent. I often feel guilty after I raise my voice at her and wish we could get along better.

Here's the life coach's reply:


Dear Lisa

I have a ten-year-old daughter too, and I know exactly what you mean when you say that their self esteem can be fragile, and they tend to need lots of reassurance. Our daughters are also on the path towards puberty, and hormones will be having an effect on their behaviour too.

If you want to raise a person's sense of self-worth, then the simplest way is to make sure you treat them as if they are special and important to you. And what this tends to boil down to with children is time – time that you devote to them alone.

Of course, when you have younger children, this is easier said than done, but it's not impossible. Perhaps you could take a few hours on a Saturday afternoon to take your daughter to the library or shops.If it's an activity that she chooses and enjoys, then this is ideal. Or make a point of letting her go to bed a little later than her siblings and spend some one-to-one time with her then. This week before bedtime my daughter has been painting my toenails and talking me through the adventures of her Sylvanian Families.

You need to both show her and tell her that she is loved for herself. There are some good tips here on how to do this. If you are aware that what you're saying and doing is undermining her, then think about what you need to say and do differently. Do you apologise to her when you know you've gone too far?

Confidence levels can rise and fall for both adults and children, but generally we are at our most confident when we are doing an activity that we can do well. So what does she like to do for fun? Could you join in too, or turn out to support her? Whatever you do, don't wait until you're less busy, because that day may never come. See spending time with your daughter as a priority, and soon it will become a pleasure too.

Best wishes,

Joanne

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