What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request


Lisa writes:

My daughter is six years old and has always been a natural worrier, though now things have escalated dramatically. In the morning she starts off wimpering and crying to herself, which then graduallly increases to her getting very upset and saying she can't go to school, she's poorly, she's nervous, she hates it, and so on.

We've talked things through all the obvious worries fears, dislikes etc but not
a lot is resolved. She will often get herself in such a state that she will vomit
and will have a nervous tummy (diarrhoea). I cannot get her to eat or drink
before school – she gags if I mention food.

This goes on every school morning until she is in school when her teachers say she is a happy bright popular little girl whose work is right up to the standard it should be, she's a great eater, has friends.....

When my daughter comes out of school she is fine, you wouldn't know there was any of the above going on until early the next morning and occasionally this can begin at bed time and continue right through the night.

Both my daughter and myself are very tired and frustrated. I am worried and very saddened by all this, and feel I have no power to help her.

Here's the life coach's reply:


Dear Lisa

If this behaviour has been a recent change, has anything else changed in your daughter's life? It could be something that happened a few months ago, which this is the delayed reaction to. Or if as you say she has a tendency to worry, it could simply be a habit that she's got into.

There are two ways I would approach this: first, by encouraging your daughter to find other ways to express her feelings. Arts and crafts can be very useful for this, so make sure she has access every day to paper and pens and little notebooks where she can scribble privately. My daughter has a wipe-off notice board we got from a pound shop, and I can pretty much gauge her moods from the doodles and notes that appear on there every day.

'Small world' toys can also be a good vehicle for children to express their feelings about the world around them. Soft toys, little figures and dolls houses are a way for children to be more in control of a world, in a way that they are not in their day to day life. The next time your daughter is playing any kind of pretend game like this, get down on the floor with her and get her to tell you what's going on.

Second, I would focus on behaviour change. You say she's popular at school – could you invite a friend round to play? Often it can lift a child all day if they know there's something fun like that to look forward to.

If she's not eating breakfast at all, let her choose something at the supermarket to try. It doesn't matter if it's chocolate spread on toast for now, you can work up to healthier choices.

You don't have to tackle both of these at once - a gradual approach of taking one at a time may work better. And look to your own behaviour – how much are you prone to worry? Could your daughter be picking up on this?

You can find some more advice on helping your child cope with worry here.

Best wishes,

Joanne


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