What's your dilemma about any aspect of life as a parent? Our experienced life coach Joanne Mallon is here to answer your questions. Send your questions in here and say if you'd like your name to be changed.

Sharon asks:

My two-and-a-half-year old daughter is a complete nightmare at night time. She
won't go to bed at any given time. She can sometimes be still awake at 10pm or 11pm.

She does get tired as she gets really grumpy etc, but she just doesn't go to bed. She falls asleep on the sofa and we then have to transfer her to her bed. She then wakes pretty much every night and has to go into our bed (she shares a room and wakes her brother all of the time). The only time she will sleep through all night is if she is in our bed. Her brother is seven and has to go to bed before her otherwise she disrupts his sleep too.

We have tried everything but it all fails. The problem we have with leaving her to cry is that she wakes her brother. We are currently trying to get housed into a bigger property but at the moment are having to make do with our situation.

Here's the life coach's reply:




Dear Sharon

Some children are real night owls, and some parents are happy for them to stay up later. If you don't have to be anywhere in a hurry the next day and can compensate with day time naps then it is do-able.

It's not strictly speaking true that you have tried everything - in face you have discounted co-sleeping, the one solution that you know works. I'm not saying you should have your daughter in bed with you full time, but this is an option. The sense I get from your letter is one of frustration because you have tried everything . I guess the message I want to get across is that you still have options, and you can still improve your situation.

When you want to change a habit which is fairly well entrenched, it can take hard work, and this situation may very well get worse before it gets better. But if you sort this out now, both your children will benefit. At the moment your son is having disturbed nights and being forced to go to bed earlier than his much younger sibling. And a child of your daughter's age needs 10-12 hours of sleep per day - less than this will affect her development.

In your situation I would start with a firm, unchanging bedtime routine. If she's currently going to bed around 10pm, start doing this at 9.30pm and make it half an hour earlier each week until you get to the bedtime you want her to have. Your routine should last around 20-30 minutes and could involve:

  • A calming game or story - no TV unless it's a really quiet, calming programme
  • Get your daughter to choose her pyjamas - this will give her more of a sense of control about the process
  • Brush teeth and go to the loo/change nappy etc
  • Into bed, read a story that your child chooses
  • Settle down with a favourite toy or comfort object
  • Play quiet music or a story tape as she goes to sleep

If she gets out of bed, return her to it without comment. Don't let her fall asleep on the sofa again or your efforts will be wasted. Get her used to falling asleep in her own bed. All f this may be hard work, but it will be worth it in the end.

Good luck and best wishes to you all,

Joanne



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