What's your dilemma about any aspect of life as a parent? Our experienced life coach Joanne Mallon is here to answer your questions. Send your questions in here and say if you'd like your name to be changed.

Natalie writes:

My son is three-and-a-half and is almost potty trained. He still wears nappy pants at night, for the past five months wearing "big boy" pants during the day.

However the problem is when he goes to nursery, it can be pretty hit and miss, but the main thing is he always poos in his pants. He refuses to try the toilet or potty for a poo, and denies he needs to go.

When he was a tiny baby he had heart problems, which meant taking medication, which in turn made him constipated, and obviously this was uncomfortable for him.

I do think that this may have a bearing on his toileting problems. However, I get the impression from the nursery that this is a problem I should be rectifying, although he does not have accidents at home. Please advise because I am at a loss what else to do.

Here's the life coach's reply:

Dear Natalie

Please be reassured that this is a very common problem amongst children your son's age. It's not something parents are ever going to boast about, but it does happen a lot, and as a phase, and it does pass. Some experts link this behaviour with a fear of independence, which would explain why he's only doing it away from home.

And your nursery will have seen this situation before. You need to get together with them to plan how to address this – I don't see how they can realistically expect you to solve it when it's happening at nursery. They need to join with you in addressing this – there's only so much you can do when you're not on the spot when it's happening. Can you spot when he usually needs to go to the loo? Could his key worker make a point of taking him to sit on the loo after meals?

For three-year-olds, something visual like a sticker chart can work very well. Get your son to choose an incentive he really wants to earn. A week's worth of poos in the loo earned my son a (frankly horrible) Power Ranger toy. Wouldn't have been my choice, but to him it was a big enough incentive to want to change his behaviour.

Yes, his problems as a baby probably are connected to this - for you as much as for him. If he didn't have this history, do you think you would tackle this situation differently?

Make sure his diet contains enough fibre that he's not likely to get constipated – plenty of bananas, oranges etc. Above all stay as relaxed as possible around the whole issue. Talk to nursery staff without your son hearing, and together you can come up with a plan to help him feel more confident using the loo at nursery.

Good luck,

Joanne


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