What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request


Diane writes:

My daughter is nine-years-old and I am sure she has selective mutism. Two years ago we took her to the doctor who referred us to a child psychiatrist and they said she was just shy.

She will not speak to grandparents, auntie, uncles or friends' parents at all. It is getting embarrassing to take her anywhere as she just ignores them when they speak to her.

We have tried to talk to her and she says she wants to talk but can't. At home with her family we cannot shut her up but as soon as anyone comes she just goes really quiet and wont even speak to us in front of anyone. She goes to kick boxing but doesn't speak and wants tennis lessons, but we have the problem of how could she have one to one lessons if she will not talk to the coach?

The funny thing is that she will answer the phone. Do you have any advice for us to encourage her?

Here's the life coach's reply:

Dear Diana

I can sense that this is stressful and frustrating for you, since your daughter will speak in some circumstances and not in others. Selective mutism in children is not uncommon, and is related to anxiety in certain situations. If you've ever felt anxious then you'll know a little of what your daughter feels.

You will find lots of resources to help here at the website for the Selective Mutism Group. This is an American organisation. If you want to talk to someone in the UK, there is some useful information available from the Speech Disorder website here.

The first thing I would do is go back to your doctor. If this has been continuing for over two years then it is clearly more than simple shyness, and your doctor should be able to offer you more support. Any support is likely to focus on increasing your daughter's confidence and self-esteem, and giving her strategies to cope with anxiety, rather than on forcing her to speak more.

It is interesting that your daughter has expressed a desire to play tennis, and this may give her the motivation to try to overcome her anxiety. I would put it to her in a calm way that she will need to speak to the tennis coach in order for the lessons to work. Don't make it a big deal – tell her it's her choice. Then if she wants to, take her for one or two lessons. If she feels that there is pressure on her to speak, then she is likely to retreat. If she feels more in control because it's her choice, then she is more likely to feel confident and able to speak.

You will find some tips on helping your child deal with anxiety here, and advice on how to raise your child's confidence here.

Good luck to you both,

Joanne


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