What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life? Send your questions and dilemmas to experienced life coach Joanne Mallon via this confidential form. Your name can be changed on request


Fifi writes:

My daughter is 13. She does not communicate with us at all, only argues when she's asked to do something. She will not say sorry for her appalling attitude or acknowledge anything we say to her. I have tried asking her what her issues are with us and she only says 'you're always moaning' and will not answer with any constructive reply.

She has always been envious of her brother since he was born, and her behaviour has declined since then, trying to get the attention back. She refuses to do anything with us or related to her brother's activities. She won't do anything in the way of interests and would prefer to sit at home and do nothing.

She looks depressed and miserable at times and is up and down with her eating. I have tried ignoring, including, trying to give her time to do something with me, or excluding items from her, such as her laptop. Our last holiday was utter misery as she had decided it was going to 'rubbish' and made it so for everyone. I dont know what to do. This is a major problem in the family, it is chaos and no one is happy. Do I consider trying to get her to go counselling? It can't carry on or I think we'll all have a breakdown.

Here's the life coach's reply:


Dear Fifi

Whilst a lot of what your daughter's doing is typical of her age - especially the lack of communication and apathy - it does sound like more than the teenage blues.

There's a good article here in depression in teenagers. if you look at the listed criteria, you'll see that there is some common ground with the behaviour you have described, but this is by no means a diagnosis.

What sort of feedback do you get from her school? If she won't communicate with anyone in the family, is there anyone else who could take an interest in her - a teacher, a relative or friend? It really does sound like she needs someone to give her more one to one attention.

Your GP will be able to refer you to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) Since as you say all of the family is being affected by this, you may benefit from some sort of family counselling as a group, rather than your daughter being treated as an individual. But your doctor is the best placed person to help you with this. These days there is no stigma attached to reaching out for help of this sort. You all sound miserable, and that needs to change.

Beware of making your daughter the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong in your family. She's a troubled girl, and she needs help and support.

Good luck

Joanne

Send your questions in to our life coach at this address