What's your biggest challenge when it comes to family life?

Karen writes:

I have custody of my three grandchildren aged 10, 9 and 7 - their parents left them when the youngest was 3 weeks old.
Neither parent has ever paid any maintenance and the father has not seen the children in 7 years. It is 8 months now since their mother saw them, although she phones them once or twice a month.

The children have always been very insecure. They follow me whenever I leave the room even to go to the toilet! None of them will go to another room alone. My grandson is still wet at night. He is terrified of everything. At the moment his main phobia is insects. He would like me to keep all windows and doors locked and going to the beach or park is a nightmare.

He is also scared of travelling, any form of transport scares the hell out of him. He is also very sensitive and likes to write poems and songs. He dances (including ballet which he loves) and is very determined in all these activities.
He is now beginning to 'hate' himself which worries me no end. I have tried the children's mental health route via my GP but am told that 'until a crisis occurs ie drug/alcohol abuse or suicide attempt there are no resources to deal with this'.
Although I understand the causes of most of these problems, as a single grandmother with no other surviving family members I do find myself getting impatient and frustrated and somewhat overwhelmed I must admit.

Here's the life coach's reply:Dear Karen

I have tremendous admiration for all that you are doing for these children. Without you they would be in the care system and probably split up. You are doing an amazing job.

Having been abandoned as babies, it's not surprising that the children are showing signs of stress and separation anxiety typical of much younger children.

The best way to deal with this is with loving kindness and strong boundaries. The children will test you on purpose, but don't take this personally and remember that it is coming from the fear that you will leave them like their parents did. Children have a real tendency to blame themselves for things that go wrong in life, and feel that it is their fault that they were abandoned. There are some more tips here on how you can deal with this.

I am sorry to hear that your GP is not helpful because in theory the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) is intended to help children like your grandson. Is there another GP in the practice you could visit? Would it be practical to change to another doctor? Do try again with this, and take a detailed list of every sign of anxiety that your grandson is showing.

Another place that might be able to offer support is Parentline Plus . This charity is set up to help people like you, and they have a free 24 hour helpline you can call on 0808 800 2222. Why not give them a call tonight once the children are in bed and tell them what you've told me? The Grandparents' Association is another organisation that can provide practical help. Their helpline is on 0845 4349585.

Good luck to you all. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you.

Joanne


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