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B is for Breakfast, which is supposed to be conducted round a table with perfect manners but in reality is spent shouting at the kids to sit down, stop using their fingers to eat cereal and to ask to get down from the table while Milkshake blares in the background.
C is for Cooking something really delicious and healthy but being told "it's s'gusting" even though it was their absolute favourite last week.
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D is for Driving and excitedly pointing out emergency vehicles, cranes and trains - even when you're the only one in the car.
E is for Energy – where do they get theirs and where did ours go?
F is for "Oh...flip", an embarrassingly square phrase we use at least 100 times a day because we're not allowed to use the f word until after the watershed.
G is for Going Out. In daylight hours, this takes aeons once you've checked everyone has been to the loo, got their shoes on and their blood sugar levels are not dangerously low thus avoiding tantrums before you're down the street. At night, this takes aeons as you unpeel the children from your calves as they protest at the very cheek of you having a life outside of them.
H is for Holidays. Great in theory but in practice harder work than being at home because the kids are suspicious of the food, there's no CBeebies/Nick Jnr and your paranoid streak increases a million-fold, perceiving DANGER at every pool, beach and public loo.
I is for Imagination. THE essential skill involved in motherhood. Or you are doomed.
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J is for "Just Coming". This is a mother's stock phrase when she is asked to help find something or turn a shoebox into a life size rocket. That's because we have four million other things on the go including making tea, trying to arrange dental appointments for some time this century for the whole family on the same afternoon, hanging out the washing and trying to catch the cat to deflea her.
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K is for Kinder Eggs. Forget penicillin – these little gems are real life-savers. Whether you're on a train, in a café or at a childless friend's house, the not-enough-chocolate-to-rot-their-teeth and kids-love-the-tiny-gift combo keeps them occupied for enough time to read a paper, drink a coffee or have a chat. So good they should be on prescription.
L is for Love. The pit of the stomach variety which turns you into a woman possessed if anyone so much as looks at your children the wrong way. Can emerge from nowhere in a split second even if they're being little sods.
M is for Mummmmmmmmeeeee. Which is how 'mummy' should be spelled because when your children say it, it's usually all about them.
N is for Neuroses. Each of us has our own particular obsession, from putting factor 100 on their little bodies the second there's a faint ray of sunshine to serving broccoli with everything, even mashed up into spag bol.
O is for Octonauts. Or whatever is their current obsession. The delightfully fickle youth of today will become attached to something random at a moment's notice and demand affiliated comics, toys, sweets and clothes for yonks until they suddenly go off it and you've already bought the Octonauts paper plates, cups, table cloth and party bags and it's their party tomorrow. Aaaargh!
P is for Parents' Rights. There aren't any. Get used to it.
Q is for Quiet. An elusive creature which only ever makes an appearance after 8pm and before 6am unless a) the kids are ill or b) your other half snores.
R is for Racing. Either round the shops, round the house with a Hoover or whatever it is you have to do at lunchtime/while the kids are having tea at your mum's/Daddy is doing bathtime. Also apt if you have a son, because they only respond to doing anything if you turn it into a race.
S is for Sorry. The one word which you drum into your kids over and over again.
T is for Thank You. The other word you drum into your kids over and over again.
U is for Umbilical Cord. It may have been cut years ago but it will always be there even when your children move out.
V is for Vulgar. Particularly if you have boys (including dads), who will pick their nose, burp, fart and make rude noises by putting their hands underneath their armpits and flapping their arms. Usually in company too.
W is for Writing. That first time they manage to trace over your dotted letters and write their name is adorable.
X is for eXercise. We get enough walking up and down the stairs for a new set of clothes after they've spilled Ribena over themselves that we don't want to go to the gym, thank you very much.
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Y is for Yes. A word you don't hear very often because children prefer to say 'no' if they listen to you at all. If you get a 'yes', then it's usually because you've mentioned Haribo or a visit to the toy shop.
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Z is for Zero as in the thanks you get for being a fantastic mum! But you do get the cuddles.
What not to say to mums
- 'I didn't know you were pregnant again!'<p> You might have a bit of <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/06/23/match-the-celebrity-mum-to-her-post-baby-tum/" target="_blank">mum tum,</a> but you, really, really don’t need anyone to point this out, let alone imply you’re expecting another baby. We suggest a cutting remark back, something like, ‘yes, but not twins like you, you must be thrilled!’ will do the trick.</p>
- 'She's beautiful, but doesn't look much like you, does she?'<p> Don’t rise to this one, it’s harmless, but can certainly hurt your feelings. Remember your baby is exactly that - you made her, and you’ve got the stretch marks to prove it!</p>
- 'Are you sure the way he's doing that is normal? I haven't seen other babies do it'<p> Of course, you’re not sure if it’s normal, or if your child is completely off the scale for oddness and has a life of anti-social behaviour stretching out in front of him. But actually you'd just thought it was sweet until then - and the last thing you want to do is discuss it.</p>
- 'Do you actually work or are you just at home with the kids?'<p> This one usually comes from someone without children, who has never done a night feed, morning routine and entire day with small people hanging off them and hasn’t a clue that yes, you work, every minute of every day, and usually through the night too. Suggest a ‘swap day’ where they look after your little ones and you head to their office. They’ll be begging for 9-5 back before you’ve even left the house.</p>
- 'You must be so busy!'<p> Yes, so please go home or help me.</p>
- 'Is it time for another?'<p> You’ve only just got your body and brain back from the first, and someone suggests this ridiculous idea.</p>
- 'What a beautiful boy!' (when you have a girl)<p> This one is inevitable, especially if you have a bald baggy in practical clothes. You'll get used to saying 'she' she's a girl' wearily. You really do not need to festoon your baby in pink and bows if you don't want to.</p>
- 'You've got that real mumsy look about you now'<p> You always said you’d never turn into a ‘mumsy mum’ and now someone has come right out and confirmed your fears. If this comes from someone younger and with anything less than a size 10 waist, you have permission to de-friend without delay.</p>
- 'If that was my child I'd...'<p> We don’t care! Like every good parenting book states, every child is different, so keep your bragging and comparisons to yourself thank you very much.</p>
- 'How much sleep are you getting?'<p> Ok, so the yawning and dark circles might give it away, but whoever asks this is clearly expecting a horror story answer. Give them one and enjoy the reaction quicker than you can say ‘eye bags’.</p>
- 'Don't you worry about what he's eating?'<p> Yes, constantly. The cupboards are stocked with every organic, free-from, no nasties, no preservatives children’s food on the market, costing a small fortune. But right now, cake is all that keeps the peace. And no, you can’t have any.</p>
- 'Poor little thing, does she need a feed?'<p> This is thoroughly unhelpful, especially if said in the middle of a supermarket, or on any overcrowded public transport. A scathing look should suffice.</p>
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