Can dads ever bond as closely with their children as mums?
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The dad works long hours for the police force; the mother is a childminder. It's a no-brainer, surely?
My wife and I were talking about this the other evening. Since we swapped roles at the beginning of the year, I've effectively become a childminder to our three children, aged nine, seven and four, while my wife works long hours as a publishing executive.
'If we split up, who would get the kids?' I asked.
A no-brainer, surely? Not according to my wife.
'If we couldn't agree on shared custody, then it would be me,' she replied. 'Because I'm their mother.'
I was taken aback by this. I have been our children's main carer since January. Our eldest is my stepdaughter, who my wife and her ex-husband effectively share: she lives with us during the week, and stays with her father at the weekends. It works a treat.
But what if – heaven forbid – my wife and I were to split up and the situation wasn't so harmonious? Would my wife really have the right to full custody of our two sons, even though I am a full-time father? Wouldn't we both have equal rights to share custody?
Apparently not. According to a report in the Daily Mail, a review of family law due to be published tomorrow will reject plans for equality over who gets the kids. The Family Justice Review, led by David Norgrove, will also reject calls to "enshrine in law the principle that children should have a 'meaningful relationship' with both their mother and father".
"Instead, it will simply say the courts should keep the idea of a meaningful relationship in mind when they made decisions about a child's future," says the newspaper report.
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This begs the question: if parents can't agree on custody arrangements, and there's to be no legal obligation to share, then which parent should keep the kids?
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Except in extreme circumstances, there is an automatic assumption that it should be the mother. But according to Bob Greig, founder of www.onlydads.org, a support group for 200,000 dads raising children on their own: 'A father's love bond for his children is as strong as any mum's.'
But it's too often the case that courts don't see it that way, and instead of granting equal rights to warring parents, "many dads are awarded limited ongoing contact - once a fortnight seems to be an unofficial benchmark for many - and these love bonds get strained," says Bob.
After a year as a full-time father, I couldn't agree more that a dad's love is up their with the mother's. Up until then, I was a fairly typical breadwinning dad. But when I lost my job through redundancy and my wife and I took the decision that has changed ours – and our children's – lives, possibly forever. She and I swapped roles. She was able to get a job in the company where she used to work before she quit to become a stay-at-home-mum, which meant that I would become a stay-at-home-dad.
It took me a whole to adjust to my new role, but more significantly is how our children adapted. Almost with a shrug of their shoulders, the kids started to accept me as the parent-at-home. They asked me to help with their homework, asked me to read them a bedtime story, asked me to take them to the park and – most painfully for my wife – they came to me first when they were injured or upset.
If they had a fall, instead of holding outstretched arms towards their mother, they held them out to me, with big fat tears in their eyes, the request 'Cuddle' spilling from their lips.
I took, charge of dressing them in the morning, preparing their meals, paying their school lunch money, taking them for treats after school. I accompanied them on school trips, ferried them from playdate to party.
The biggest breakthrough, though, was during the school holidays. It used to be a time I would dread because of the sheer hard work of keeping three kids of different ages entertained, but instead we had enormous fun. They helped me cook, they helped with housework. We went exploring in the park, visited family and friends. And best of all, I taught my oldest son to swim.
I have never felt this close to anyone in my life. When I was working, I didn't really know my kids; but now I'm at home, I know every nuance, every expression, every conniving little trick they have in the open books of their young personalities.
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Am I closer to them than their mother is? Can fathers ever have as close a bond to their children? Well, let's just say it depends. And what depends most is which parent is around the children the most which, right now, is me. And if that doesn't entitle me to a share in their lives if their mother and I break up, then I don't know what does.
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- Mr Incredible, The Incredibles<p> Bob Par and wife Helen are former superheroes, forced to relocate to the suburbs and live as ‘normally’ as possible with children Dash, Violet and Jack-Jack. Easier said than done, and when Bob, aka Mr Incredible is drawn back into his superhero world, he leaves behind three sad little ones who just want their dad back. Lucky Bob realises his mistake, and proves that to be a real superhero, all he needs to do is make his kids proud.<br /> <br /> <strong>Favourite quote: </strong>‘I’m sorry. I’ve been a lousy father. So obsessed with being undervalued that I undervalued all of you.’</p>
- Daniel, Love Actually<p> Dashing Daniel is faced with looking after stepson, Sam, all alone after his wife, Sam’s mum, dies. He seems clueless, but gets better as time goes on, doting over the little guy and helping him snag his crush at school, learn the drums and come to terms with losing his mum. We challenge anyone not to well up at the end when Sam calls Daniel ‘dad’ for the first time.</p> <p> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘This stepfather thing seems so suddenly to somehow matter like it never did before.’</p>
- Alfie Moon, Eastenders<p> So he isn’t technically Tommy’s dad, but we all saw loveable Alfie’s heart break when he thought the little man had died during the baby cot death swap saga. And when Tommy was returned to Kat and Alfie and he bought him a mini football strip to match his own pyjamas, he went straight to the top of the list for sheer cuteness.</p>
- George Banks, Father of the Bride<p> Anyone with a grown up daughter will relate to poor George. He's put well and truly through the emotional and financial ringer as he prepares to walk his not-so-little-girl, Annie, down the aisle, facing the reality that his once baby girl is ready to face the world alone.<br /> <br /> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘I suddenly realised what was happening. Annie was all grown up and was leaving us, and something inside began to hurt.’</p>
- Chris Gardener, The Pursuit of Happiness<p> Chris’ wife has walked out, and he’s skint. Faced with a life where he and his son, Christopher, are broke and homeless, he takes on an unpaid internship at a stockbrokers to learn the trade and make a mint, while teaching his son impeccable moral standards along the way to boot.<br /> <br /> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘I made up my mind that when I had children, my children were going to know who their father was.’</p>
- Martin Crane, Frasier<p> Down-to-earth Martin likes the simple life with minimal fuss, which is made tricky when he shares a flat with grown-up son, Frasier, who is a fan of the finer things in life, just like his brother, Niles. In one memorable episode, Frasier throws out Martin’s beloved leather chair, which upsets lovely Martin as it has huge sentimental value. Frasier realises his mistake and sets off to make amends, realising his dad isn’t all too bad in the process.</p>
- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons<p> Hapless but hilarious dad Homer might not always put his kids Bart, Lisa and you-never-quite-know-what-she’s-thinking Maggie first, but he always comes through for them in the end. And you couldn’t help but love him when he worked two jobs and barely slept to buy little Lisa a pony.<br /> <br /> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.’</p>
- Mick, Gavin and Stacey<p> The loveable dad to Essex boy Gavin, Mick is the long-suffering husband to Gavin’s mum, Pam, and puts up with long drives to see future daughter-in-law Stacey’s family in sunny Barry. He has, as character Ness would say, ‘a cracking’ relationship with Gavin, cemented in the touching scene where the pair discuss a very sad Gavin’s possible infertility.</p>
- Charles Ingalls, aka, Pa, Little House on the Prairie<p> The pillar of the family’s small farming community, Pa Ingalls juggled life on the ranch and raising three girls, along with sorting scuffles in neighbouring families. The family didn’t have a lot of money, but were rich in love and respect for each other as they faced a tough old life on the American frontier, with Pa leading the charge.</p>
- Ben Harper, My Family<p> Moody Ben is dad to hapless Nick, sharp-tongued Janey and brainbox Michael, who is far too clever for Ben and outwits him on a daily basis. All he wants in life is a bit of peace and quiet, and his wife, Susan, to stop cooking such awful meals. He gets his wish briefly when Nick and Janey move out, but in comes lodger Abi, and Janey is never too far away with her son, Kenzo, to disturb the peace…</p>
- Daniel Hillard / Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire, Mrs Doubtfire<p> Poor Daniel seems to attract trouble, and when wife Miranda kicks him out and takes custody of kids, Lydia, Christopher and Natalie, he walks into even more trouble, by dressing as an ageing grandmother and starting work as the family’s housekeeper in disguise. Extreme? Yes. But no one can argue this dad won’t go the extra mile for his children.</p> <p> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that.'</p>
- Geppetto, Pinocchio<p> Inventor Gepetto is desperate for his wooden puppet, Pinocchio, to become a real boy, and a real son for him. His wish is granted, and despite Pinocchio lying, sorry, fibbing (children’s film) regularly, his dedicated father, Gepetto, is always his biggest supporter. When Pinocchio finally sheds his wooden body, Gepetto’s dedication pays off, and he is rewarded with an, altogether now, ‘real boy!’.</p> <p> <strong>Favourite quote: </strong>‘You're alive! And, and you are a real boy!’</p>
- Pete Brockman, Outnumbered<p> Pete and wife, Sue, struggle - daily - to keep their brood of three in order. Most of time Sue, and especially Pete fail miserably, as children Jake, Ben and Karen outwit and run rings around them, leaving you wondering: ‘Who are the grown-ups here?’</p>
- Professor Henry Jones Senior, Indiana Jones films<p> He might not have the best relationship with son, Henry ‘Indiana’ Jones, but Henry Senior clearly had a big impact on a little Henry growing up, as he follows an identical career path as his dad. Despite huge disagreements and eye rolling, you can tell these two have a real soft spot for each other.</p> <p> <strong>Favourite quote:</strong> ‘Oh, yeah? And who's gonna come to save you, JUNIOR?’</p> <p> </p>
