Toddler Tales: Uh-oh

Toddler Diana walking the dog Look who's walking the dog!

Diana's vocabulary is expanding with ferocious rapidity, and last week, she learned the interjection: 'Uh-oh.' It has swiftly become her favourite (only?) expression, and she uses it whenever she drops anything, falls over or pulls her bunches out ('Uh-oh, uh-oh, UH-OH!').

It's fitting that D's newest word reflects how I'm feeling most of the time these days. A lot of things in my life are 'Uh-oh.'

Balancing work/baby/house/husband's seemingly never-ending pile of laundry, worrying about whether I'm failing at everything or deserve a pat on the back for doing the best I can, and the day-to-day concerns that come with a growing toddler who is learning to speak – and act – her mind more and more with each passing moment are all rather demanding issues I am constantly trying to reconcile.

Actually, uh-oh is probably a rather euphemistic way of expressing how I'm feeling most of the time; a spattering of expletives followed by exclamations is probably more true to life, but less toddler (who's imitating everything I say these days) friendly.

The past couple of weeks, D has been increasingly demanding about going outside – sans buggy of course – and has been flinging herself against the front door in desperation or bringing me her coat at 9pm to get her dressed for a walk.

This isn't because she's been cooped up in the house 24/7; on the contrary, she is out in the park or walking on the pavement twice a day on average. No, D is obsessed with the outdoors because she has decided that she would like to take over the family dog-walking duties.

This would be amusing for me if I saw it on a television programme, especially because walking Bolshy has become even less glamorous (and a more lamentable task) than usual. He is idler than ever, sleeps all day and refuses to walk, which means that I throw my back out trying to drag his now-obese-from-inertia frame down the street twice a day.

Unfortunately, since it's happening in my life on a daily basis and not to some over-paid, Hollywood version of me, it's all stress and mayhem. Every morning, D runs to grab Bolshy's harness, jumper and lead and starts frantically chasing the dog around the kitchen to trap him. If she's holding my hand in the street, she'll suddenly stop, throw a massive sobbing tantrum and push me out of the way, trying to grab Bolshy's lead from my hand.

While part of me would relish the thought of handing over some of the Bolshy responsibility to my eager 18-month-old, the rational side of me realises that D is half of Bolshy's size and for all her zeal, won't be able to contribute much to our walks.

D has proven this herself when she's grabbed onto Bolshy's extendable lead at home and run through the house with it, thinking he is behind her, only to turn around and disappointingly realise the dog, who hasn't budged from his place, is looking bored and annoyed.

Well, as you can see from the picture above, after the mid-street tantrum which taught me that I can never ever leave the house by myself with dog, baby and no buggy, I let D 'walk' Bolsh in the park for a few steps, which went surprisingly well until Bolsh stopped to drink from an ice puddle and D decided to sit in it. Their walk swiftly ended, and D's 43rd tantrum of the 15-minute period we'd been outside commenced.

But that's the real 'Uh-oh' in my life these days: the showdowns Diana and I are starting to have. The dog drama is just one manifestation of our mother-daughter beefin'. It's normal of course; she's trying to push boundaries and I'm trying to lay down the law, but since neither one of us quite knows how to assert our positions in the most effective way - yet - my toddler ends up walking the dog in the park as I tear my hair out, cursing my parental failures.

Diana's Daddy is particularly fond of our showdowns and delights in saying things like: "I'm going to let you two work this battle of wills out," (helpful) or "Are you two beefin' again? Admit Diana never fights with me."

It's true. Diana never agitates her father for one simple reason: he gives into her every whim and demand, and for all his talk of being a firm disciplinarian, he has the softest touch I've ever seen.

What can I say? Uh-oh. You know I'm thinking something much worse.

Tricky toddler talk

Why do stars twinkle?
 The quick answer: “Um…so they look pretty. And if they didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to see them in the dark, would you?” The thoughrful answer:  According to Glenn Murphy in <a href="http://www.sciencemuseumshop.co.uk/product/124324/sm-why-is-snot-green.html" target="_blank">Why Is Snot Green?, Macmillan, £5.99,</a> they only appear to twinkle. In fact, they’re burning clearly and brightly. But we’re looking at them through the churning murky gases of our atmosphere.
Why can't I have juice now?
 The quick answer: “Because I said so.” The thoughtful answer: "You can drink whatever you like at mealtimes. But in between meals, you can’t have anything other than water. Otherwise you’re covering your teeth in sugar all the time. And teeth don’t like being covered in sugar. It can make them go black and wobbly and fall out."
Why is the sky blue?
 The quick answer: “Um…so that it matches the sea.” The thoughtful answer: "Air molecules are, in fact, slightly bluish. And while we’re at it, the sea isn’t blue because it’s reflecting the sky, whatever you may have been taught. Water isn’t colourless either - it’s also slightly blue."
Why does the rain die?
 The quick anwser: “Er…because it needs to give the sunshine a turn.” The thoughtful answer: "It doesn’t really die, because rain keeps happening. There’s water in the air all around us, and as air rises it gets colder, and then the cold air just can’t hold all the water any more. So the water falls back down to the ground as rain."
Why is a dog a dog?
 The quick answer: “Well, it couldn’t be a tiger, could it, or it would have to have stripes.” The thoughtful answer: A huge and difficult question, but you could talk about how there are lots of different kinds of animals because the world has hot countries and cold countries and jungles and deserts and ice and snow, and animals have lots of different ways of getting enough food to eat. Dogs have sharp teeth and a good sense of smell because they used to have to survive (before tins of dog food) by hunting.
Why does ironing make things go flat?
 The quick answer: “Because it’s squashed against the ironing board.” The thoughtful answer: "Because an iron is hot and heavy. The heat makes the links between the little molecules in the material a bit looser, and then the weight of the iron straightens them out." (And a molecule, if they ask, is two or more atoms, and an atom is the tiniest thing in the world that everything’s made from. But it may be more useful to explain to your pre-schooler that daddies should iron as often as mummies.)
Why is that lady so fat?
 The quick answer: “Ssshh! Don’t be rude! She might hear you!” The thoughtful answer: "People are all sorts of different shapes and sizes. That’s what makes us so interesting. The important thing is to keep ourselves fit -  and that means lots of good food and plenty of running and jumping and dancing, because exercise keeps our hearts healthy."
Why can't I take my clothes off?
 The quick answer: “Because it’s rude.” The thoughtful answer: Another difficult one, because lots of pre-schoolers like ripping their clothes off. You’ve got to tread the line between saying that being naked is fine because all bodies are lovely, but that it’s not always practical to strip off. (Naked in the bath is sensible, but naked in the snow is silly because you’ll get cold and ill.) You could add that generally people don’t take their clothes off when visitors come round, which might be a good thing to explain before Granny comes to stay at Easter.  For more ideas on how to answer questions like these, get hold of a copy of <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ask-Your-Father-Questions-Children/dp/1906021619/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328007586&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Emma Cook’s Ask Your Father, Short Books, £8.99.</a>
Where did the dinosaurs go?
 The quick answer: “Er…they just got old and died.” The thoughtful answer: Glenn Murphy in <a href="http://www.sciencemuseumshop.co.uk/product/124324/sm-why-is-snot-green.html" target="_blank">Why Is Snot Green?, Macmillan, £5.99,</a> comes to the rescue: "Dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago, probably because a huge meteorite destroyed the world they lived in. But one group called therapods survived, and over the course of millions of years turned into birds. So not all dinosaurs died off completely…"
Why don't girls have willies?
 The quick answer: “Um…because they wee from a different place. Now why don’t we go and get an ice-cream?” The thoughtful answer: Go on. Be brave: "Boys and men have willies and girls and women have something different". (That no one can quite bear to name. But the sooner you find a word for it – please, please, not ‘front bottom’  –  the easier your life will be).