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When my lot were little, I'd write out shopping lists and find them full of additions as soon as my back was turned - chocolate chip ice cream, chocolate, Penguin multi-packs. My daughter would also decorate the lists with small pictures of cats. Or, less charmingly, rude descriptions of her brothers.
But nowadays I can't get anyone to contribute.
My younger son wanders into the kitchen.
"What do we need from the shops?" I say.
"Food?"he says.
Ha ha.
"What kind of food?"
He stands there, considering. Seconds stretch into minutes.
Elder son joins us.
"I'm going shopping," I say. "Is there anything we need?"
Elder son screws up his face. "Shreddies?" he says.
Every little helps.
The next morning, Easter Sunday, I'm in the kitchen making a cup of tea when elder son finally emerges from his extensive sleep research. There's what I think is a companionable silence while the kettle boils until I realise he is opening and shutting all the cupboards.
"What are you looking for?" I ask.
"Cheerios,"he says. "Have we got any Cheerios?"
"You didn't ask me to buy Cheerios," I say. "You asked me to buy Shreddies."
He shrugs, sadly. "Shreddies are nice," he says, with the air of someone trying desperately hard to look on the bright side.
I open my mouth to remonstrate. Then change my mind and take a deep breath instead.
Keep calm. Keep calm.
10 things to make you lose your cool with teenagers
- She had a few friends round<p> If it was just ‘a few’, why does the house look as if a bomb has hit it?</p>
- What's mine is yours<p> Your ‘borrowed’ T-shirt is found months later in a small dirty heap under her bed.</p>
- All the towels are dirty<p> Teenagers love clean towels. They also assume that there’s an invisible maid delivering fresh laundry every day.</p>
- The car has a dent in it<p> It’s not worth claiming on your insurance. So you’ll just have to put up with everyone thinking you’re the one who’s a rubbish driver.</p>
- There's nail varnish on the carpet<p> The logical place for her to paint her nails is, of course, the living room carpet, which now has a fuschia pink smudge right in the middle.</p>
- A chipped front tooth<p> You’ve spent fourteen years looking after his pearly whites (visits to the dentist, new toothbrushes, rationed sweets) - but today he forgot to wear his mouthguard …</p>
- The jar of coffee is out - again<p> You understand they’re permanently hungry. You’re resigned to getting through a loaf of bread every day. But why do they never, ever put anything away?</p>
- There's nothing in the fridge<p> Yesterday, every shelf was piled high. Today it’s nothing but a cold and empty space.</p>
- He's lost his phone - again<p> Why, when he spends his life texting, does he not take more care of his phone?</p>
- She had a few friends round<p> If it was just ‘a few’, why does the house look as if a bomb has hit it?</p>
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