10 things we wish we could save our children from

Child, mother, father, nostalgic Getty

We wish we could save our kids from...

1. Teething

We understand babies have to get ill to build up their immunity. But teething? It seems such a cruel introduction to 'no pain, no gain' at such a young age.

It's clearly a major biological fail. Perhaps its purpose is to put mums and dads in their place. Just when you think you've got them sleeping, into a routine and weaned, teething brings diarrhoea, grouchiness and sore gums to remind you this job will never stay the same – so don't get above your station.

2. Separation anxiety

No matter how many times we tell our babies and toddlers we'll be back, they don't believe us. All that gripping on, those tears and pleas of 'don't go'. Yes, we get that they have to learn about stepping out of their comfort zone, developing independence in the face of insecurity, mummy going to work and that ultimately we'll come back.

But if we could take that upset away from them – no matter if it lasts 90 seconds at handover once something sparkly or biscuity is produced – then we would.

3. Calling the teacher 'Mummy' in front of the whole class

We still remember the time, decades ago, when we put our hand up and called 'Mummy' instead of 'Miss'. How everyone sniggered. The class bully endlessly mimicked your faux-pas while everyone else silently thanked God it wasn't them. Probably our first experience of humiliation.

Sadly, not our last. If only we could brief the kids or hypnotise them to stop them having to go through the public mockery.

4. Being left out

Whether during the selection process of team-picking in PE or being ignored by your supposed friends, this is one of life's truly horrible moments. Seeing your child go from puzzled to hurt is enough to make you want to give the culprits a good talking to. If only we could cheerlead for our kids. But then that would make it worse for them. Hard to swallow as a parent because we know how awful it feels.

5. Travel sickness

Green face, sick bag and feeling bad long after the journey has stopped. Yuck.

6. Falling over

The slow-motion tumble of your toddler followed by the bawl over scraped knees and elbows is hideous to watch. But when they get older and refuse to cry huge globules of tears so they look 'hard' in front of their mates is like a stomach punch. And a teenager taking a slip is most harrowing of all because it's just not cool.

7. Puberty

Oh God. Even the word 'puberty' is embarrassing. It's not as if your child can develop a deep voice and bum fluff or grow boobs and start their periods without anyone noticing. And it comes with attitude and angst.

Mother nature really didn't think this through – or if she did, she's obviously a bit vindictive.

8. Exams

Just when all those hormones are going mental, life heaps on more pressure. Revising when you really want to be out with your friends. Being pestered with questions about your future. The nerve-wracking experience of sitting in a freezing cold hall on an isolated desk. And then results day when it's either success or failure. They're all a practice run for the real world – something we all wish we could protect our children from.

9. Being dumped

Remember the emotional freefall when your first true love told you 'it's over'? Awful.

But far worse is watching your child going through the heartbreak, grief, loss, devastation and that sick-to-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling. How could someone do that to your baby when they're so perfect?

10. Being embarrassed by their parents

Look, kids, we've been there. First, you worship your parents. Then you're mortified by their very existence. Finally, you realise how wonderful they are. Don't you see the embarrassment bit is all a bit pointless really?

Believe us, if we could save you from cringing over our choice of music, what we wear and how we breathe, we would!

What else would you want to save your children from?

What not to say to mums

'I didn't know you were pregnant again!'
 You might have a bit of <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/06/23/match-the-celebrity-mum-to-her-post-baby-tum/" target="_blank">mum tum,</a> but you, really, really don’t need anyone to point this out, let alone imply you’re expecting another baby. We suggest a cutting remark back, something like, ‘yes, but not twins like you, you must be thrilled!’ will do the trick.
'She's beautiful, but doesn't look much like you, does she?'
 Don’t rise to this one, it’s harmless, but can certainly hurt your feelings. Remember your baby is exactly that  - you made her, and you’ve got the stretch marks to prove it!
'Are you sure the way he's doing that is normal? I haven't seen other babies do it'
 Of course, you’re not sure if it’s normal, or if your child is completely off the scale for oddness and has a life of anti-social behaviour stretching out in front of him. But actually you'd just thought it was sweet until then - and the last thing you want to do is discuss it.
'Do you actually work or are you just at home with the kids?'
 This one usually comes from someone without children, who has never done a night feed, morning routine and entire day with small people hanging off them and hasn’t a clue that yes, you work, every minute of every day, and usually through the night too. Suggest a ‘swap day’ where they look after your little ones and you head to their office. They’ll be begging for 9-5 back before you’ve even left the house.
'You must be so busy!'
 Yes, so please go home or help me.
'Is it time for another?'
 You’ve only just got your body and brain back from the first, and someone suggests this ridiculous idea.
'What a beautiful boy!' (when you have a girl)
 This one is inevitable, especially if you have a bald baggy in practical clothes. You'll get used to saying 'she' she's a girl' wearily. You really do not need to festoon your baby in pink and bows if you don't want to.
'You've got that real mumsy look about you now'
 You always said you’d never turn into a ‘mumsy mum’ and now someone has come right out and confirmed your fears. If this comes from someone younger and with anything less than a size 10 waist, you have permission to de-friend without delay.
'If that was my child I'd...'
 We don’t care! Like every good parenting book states, every child is different, so keep your bragging and comparisons to yourself thank you very much.
'How much sleep are you getting?'
 Ok, so the yawning and dark circles might give it away, but whoever asks this is clearly  expecting a horror story answer. Give them one and enjoy the reaction quicker than you can say ‘eye bags’.
'Don't you worry about what he's eating?'
 Yes, constantly. The cupboards are stocked with every organic, free-from, no nasties, no preservatives children’s food on the market, costing a small fortune. But right now, cake is all that keeps the peace. And no, you can’t have any.
'Poor little thing, does she need a feed?'
 This is thoroughly unhelpful, especially if said in the middle of a supermarket, or on any overcrowded public transport. A scathing look should suffice.