A is for Arguing.
As in no, you can't have red patent Lelli Kelli boots or multi-coloured Nike High-tops for school.
B is for Bathroom.
Everyone must go into the bathroom in the correct order for the allotted time each morning or Dad will accidentally end up with a Moshi Monsters lunchbox containing Marmite sandwiches and a Frube.
C is for Checklist.
Make sure you don't forget anything – trainers, lunch or water bottle - by writing it down and then losing it.
D is for Drawer.
Allocate a drawer in the kitchen for all school slips, hand-outs and newsletters. It will prove to be an excellent source of information and bust-ups when you remind your kids that's where the bits of paper should go and if it's not in there, you only have yourselves to blame.
E is for Ecstasy. Yours because the summer is OV-AH.
F is for Food.
School dinners or packed lunch? Whatever you want them to do, they'll opt for the opposite.
G is for Germs.
Your kids will be crawling with them once they're back in school. So make sure you wear a mask at all times in their company.
H is for Homework.
Who says you have to do it at a boring desk? Liven it up by getting your children to do theirs while emptying the dishwasher and hanging out the washing.
I is for Imagination.
What kind of stupid parent are you if you don't make lunchboxes exciting by using a Tardis sandwich cutter? You need your head examined if you don't know kids love a tub of lentil and disgusting bean salad accompanied by a fruit skewer and no sugar cartons of fresh water.
J is for Just Hurry Up, Will You?
To prevent the late scrum for missing shoes, simply make everyone wear them to bed every night.
K is for Kiss Goodbye.
Whether they want one or not, it is your right as a mother to plant a smacker in front of their friends. It's character building.
L is for labels.
It is a well-known scientific phenomenon that when you begin the task of labelling your kids' clothes, the task gathers momentum and you end up writing their name in BLOCK CAPITALS on their foreheads.
M is for Muuuuuum.
The back to school primal scream which indicates they can't find the thing you've asked them to look for but which turns out to be right under their noses.
N is for Nits. Why hasn't the school made the wearing of shower caps compulsory?
O is for Octopus Arms.
Worn exclusively by mums of kids starting reception. Produced in the playground line-up when we don't want to let our babies go.
P is for PE kit.
Located the night before school starts still scrunched up and smelling of damp under the stairs where it was dumped at the end of term.
Q is for Quiet. At last.
R is for Routine.
Experts recommend reintroducing normal bedtimes a week before school starts to stamp out late nights and lazy mornings. Why on earth would we want to ruin our last week of pyjamas 'til lunchtime?
S is for Stationery.
Stuffing pens and smelly rubbers into your pencil case is by far the most exciting bit of going back to school. But why does your favourite pencil never quite fit?
T is for Try Not To Make Too Many Friends, Kids because it avoids spending a fortune on buying presents for birthday parties.
U is for Uniform.
Big, baggy and brand new will become too small, tight and threadbare by half-term.
V is for Velcro.
Only ever buy shoes with this if you want to leave the house on time every morning.
W is for Works of Art.
Devise a system of saving your children's work. Such as sneakily filing it in the recycling bin.
X is for Xbox.
Relegated from summer holiday saviour to only once you've done your homework.
Y is for YOLO.
Expect to hear this enter your kids' vocabulary by the end of the first week. Meaning You Only Live Once is one of those cocky comebacks to excuse bad behaviour that you never ever shot back at your parents.
Z is for Zonked Out.
The kids, for the first time since July. Thank god.