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Some people blossom when they're pregnant. Just as some people don't mind sitting in the pub with an orange juice and lemonade while their friends get decidedly merry on lager tops and start repeating themselves. But if you're a normal, sane person, during the nine months of your 'confinement' you will have exchanged nights out with the girls for nights in watching reality TV with a family-sized packet of Minstrels.
Which is quite fun, and probably all you feel like doing when your feet are the size of the novelty animal slippers you've tried - and failed - to squeeze them into. Besides, nausea, indigestion and mind-boggling fatigue aren't really conducive to getting home at 1am to eat cold pizza out of the fridge.
And then there's the newborn phase. You have an absorbent pad covering every available orifice. You are experiencing the kind of sleep deprivation that they inflict on trainee secret agents. And you have a tiny human being attached to your chest. Funnily enough, none of this makes you want to go to the pub.
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Then, slowly, it happens. The hankering. Your friends start talking about a night out, and instead of feeling exhausted just listening, you feel a bit left out. You squeeze yourself back into your pre-pregnancy clothes. You dance around the kitchen to the latest Rihanna tune, much to the amusement of the no-longer-tiny human being in the high chair.
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It's time. You're ready.
But seriously, don't get your hopes up.
You are not the girl you used to be. You are a mum. You are also a complete lightweight. And your night out will not be like your nights out of old. Here's why.
Firstly, the days of cracking open a bottle of wine 'to get ready with' are over. Mainly because 'getting ready' is no longer about curling your eyelashes and straightening your hair while listening to Pete Tong at neighbour-bothering volume levels.
No, it's about getting the baby settled, then writing a novel-length list of instructions about how to get the baby settled for your other half, should said baby wake up when you're out.
This is not a bad thing. If you had a bottle of Pinot Grigio before you left the house, well, you wouldn't ever leave the house. You might make it to the porch, but that would be about it. Which leads nicely onto point two: You will try and pace yourself. And you will not manage it.
Why not? Well, it's just too exciting. You're out, being you, not being your baby's mum. You are with your friends, and some of them might not have kids, which will mean they don't want to talk about flat head syndrome and the effect of dummies on teeth. They want to talk about exciting things like films, fashion, men they fancy... blimey! Let's get another bottle of wine in!
Thirdly, you have a lot of making up to do. You are trying to squash the last 18 months of no nights out into five hours. Cocktails? Let's! Karaoke? Why not! Line dancing? Hell yes! And that's all by 8pm. You are running on adrenalin, and soon you will crash. By 9pm, like I promised.
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And so it happens. The room begins to spin. Your friends shoot each other concerned glances and call your husband. A taxi is summoned. And then, by 9.30pm, guess what? You're sitting on the couch watching reality TV with a family-sized packet of Minstrels.
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Don't worry. You'll find your mojo again. It's a rite of passage, and we all have to do it. Soon your kids will be on sleepovers and you'll be wishing there was more cold pizza in the fridge when you lurch in the door at 1am. But for now, you're a new mum on the loose. Enjoy it. And make sure you have some paracetamol for when the baby wakes up at 6.30am...
Savvy sanity savers
- Dummies are nothing to be ashamed of<p> They will not go on their first date with a dummy in their mouth. So relax, and if your auntie looks at you as if you have joined the circus, point out to her that the <a href="http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/index.htm" target="_blank">Department of Health </a>now tells us that ‘it is possible that using a dummy at the start of any sleep period reduces the risk of cot death’. So there.</p>
- Change the 3-second rule to the 3-minute rule<p> Let’s face it, if they eat the soil out of the garden and tuck into random things they find on the pavement, they can cope with whatever’s on your kitchen floor. And your floor is a lot cleaner than the pavement, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?</p>
- If it stops a tantrum, the lady at the checkout won't mind<p> If you don’t want to leave the supermarket with a pounding headache and a bagful of random items that won’t make a meal, sometimes you will need to open those Malted Milks before you get to the till. The general public will thank you for it.</p>
- The baby wipe is your best friend<p> Any self-respecting short-cutter will know that baby wipes are not merely for bottoms. They are for snot, dirty hands, eye makeup, carpet spills... oh and they make an excellent and cheap alternative to dry-cleaning.</p>
- Charity shops are as good as toy shops, if not better<p> Once you discover the joy of taking your kids to charity shops you will never look back. Toys, clothes, DVDs... They have a different range every visit, they are cheap as chips, they are ethically sound. What’s not to like?</p>
- Switching on CBeebies will not land you in jail<p> Nobody is suggesting you use Andy, Sid and the gang as your au-pairs... although wouldn’t that be nice? But if you have a can of alphabet spaghetti (or a bottle of wine) to open it might just shut them up for five minutes.</p>
- There is plenty of time for expensive haircuts<p> The day will come when they will want a ‘style’, just like we do. But until then, pack them off to the barber’s with your other half, or buy a pair of hairdressing scissors from the chemist.</p>
- If they don't like it, add ketchup<p> Not on absolutely everything - let’s draw the line at cereal. But if they are moaning about their dinner, and it will help it end up in their tummy rather than the bin, squirt on a bit of tomato sauce. Go on, you know you want to...</p>
- A little bribery goes a long way<p> ‘If you do this (good thing), you will get this (nice toy)’. ‘If you do this (bad thing) you will not get this (nice toy)’. Try looking after a two-year-old, then come back and tell us this didn’t help.</p>
- Life's too short for sewing on nametags<p> There is no place for chain-stitched initials on your children’s clothing. And in fact if you can’t even be bothered with a nametag, why not just get a heavy-duty pen and write their name on the washing instructions? Job done.</p>
- It is not 1972: you do not have to change nappies every half hour<p> When nappies consisted of an old towel, some pins and a pair of rubber pants it was prudent for the poor child’s comfort to change them as often as possible. These days nappies cost about a fiver each and are designed to stay on for longer than 30 minutes. Fact.</p>
- Food in tins, jars and packets will not kill them<p> Of course fresh, home cooked food is better. We all know that. But we are not machines. And if we get in late after being stuck in a traffic jam and have nothing else in the house, alphabet spaghetti will do just fine.</p>
- Doggy bags are not just for Americans<p> You’ve just spent a month’s salary on two kids’ menus in your favourite restaurant. One child is busy talking to a fellow Buzz Lightyear fan on another table, and the other has fallen asleep. You’ve paid for the food – now take it home.</p>
- Dry shampoo will buy you an extra hour a week<p> Mums don’t wash their hair every day. Well, none of the ones I know do. Thankfully, dry shampoo has made a comeback and it’s not the powder your granny used to use. Thank you, Batiste.</p>
- Babies do not care what colour their clothes are<p> If your little girl has just vomited and pooed herself through every pink item in the house, she will not develop ‘gender issues’ if you put her in that Bob the Builder babygro. It is clean, it is dry, it is therefore OK.</p>
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