Mums' guide to anti-fashion catwalk trends

Mums' guide to A/W fashion Getty

It's time to chuck those vests and flip-flops into the back of the wardrobe now that autumn's here. But don't panic if you're no dedicated follower of fashion, as we take you through this season's trends with our mum's guide to AW 12/13...

Grunge

The 90s are back. Key item this season is your dressing gown, stained with tea spillages from when the kids decided to play bouncy castles on your stomach three years ago. Team with grubby slippers, holey nightie and crow's nest hair. Ideal for answering the door to the postie or for being caught putting out the rubbish by your yummy neighbour.

Vintage

This is brilliant news because it means we are totes working it in our five-year-old waterproof jacket. We KNEW the bum-warmer would return at some point. Wear with non-designer wellies and a very tight hood which exposes only your eyes and nose. Think Kenny from South Park.

Stripes, checks and horizontal prints

According to London Fashion Week, these bold designs are very much on-trend. Which is most fortuitous, covering up leaking boobs, ketchup stains, vomit marks and chocolate fingerprints.

Mums' guide to A/W fashion

Getty

Oversized clothes

Fashionistas say big is in this season. What? You mean baggy is back? Hallelujah. No more unforgiving skintight jeans. Hang on, did you say baggy over skinny was in? Oh. Let's just do the oversized everything bit and skip the rest.

Anything but a peplum dress

The catwalks were bulging with these upside-down tulip bottomed skirts but we'll give it a miss thanks. Peplum sounds too much like speculum.

Cowboy boots and leather

The Rodeo look is fierce this autumn. Which is very handy if we get invited to any fancy dress parties. Plus, leather is easy to wipe clean.

Cutesy animal motif jumpers

Owls, cats, foxes, basically anything wild on woollies are simply irresistible. They are also excellent for handing down to your six-year-old when you accidentally shrink them in the wash.

Statement handbag

Can't afford a Mulberry? Not to worry. Get a Florence and Fred one instead. You know the type, ones with loads of room for you to carry everyone else's stuff and a miniscule pocket for your keys and phone.

Something military

Who needs khaki, gold buttons and lapels when you can rock your very own type of camouflage? Ultimate accessories are rain-soaked mascara trails on your cheeks and forehead mud splats when a car covers you in puddle water when it drives past.

Mums' guide to A/W fashion

Getty

Girl With The Dragon Tattoo look

The AW12/13 runway was full of noir, studs and deadly night shades. This one is easy for mums to work because we never take our make-up off at bedtime and we have loads of black.

Sports Luxe

Apparently, this refers to streamlined and panelled clothes. But what do they know? Definitely justifies wearing your matching velour hoodie and tracky bums to Tesco.

50 Shades of Fetish

Not red rooms of pain and thigh-high boots but altogether rather more subtle as in touch-me textures. Mums can customise this by applying don't-touch-me textures such as sleeping in the spare room.

Winter In Bloom

Bold and bright florals are so hot right now. No need to buy anything new. Simply channel that summery dress you wore on the one warmish day we had three months ago with a cardie, thermal vest, thick black tights and a duvet.

Waisted

It's all about elegantly nipped-in waistlines, mums. Good luck finding yours.

Cobalt

This is THE colour sweeping the high street so make sure you...a sort of blue - think Maggie Thatcher and Lady Di eyeliner. Yeah, stick to black, like normal, then.

More on Parentdish: Have your standards slipped since you became a mum?

Savvy sanity savers

Dummies are nothing to be ashamed of
 They will not go on their first date with a dummy in their mouth. So relax, and if your auntie looks at you as if you have joined the circus, point out to her that the <a href="http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/index.htm" target="_blank">Department of Health </a>now tells us that ‘it is possible that using a dummy at the start of any sleep period reduces the risk of cot death’. So there.
Change the 3-second rule to the 3-minute rule
 Let’s face it, if they eat the soil out of the garden and tuck into random things they find on the pavement, they can cope with whatever’s on your kitchen floor. And your floor is a lot cleaner than the pavement, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?
If it stops a tantrum, the lady at the checkout won't mind
 If you don’t want to leave the supermarket with a pounding headache and a bagful of random items that won’t make a meal, sometimes you will need to open those Malted Milks before you get to the till. The general public will thank you for it.
The baby wipe is your best friend
 Any self-respecting short-cutter will know that baby wipes are not merely for bottoms. They are for snot, dirty hands, eye makeup, carpet spills... oh and they make an excellent and cheap alternative to dry-cleaning.
Charity shops are as good as toy shops, if not better
 Once you discover the joy of taking your kids to charity shops you will never look back. Toys, clothes, DVDs... They have a different range every visit,  they are cheap as chips, they are ethically sound. What’s not to like?
Switching on CBeebies will not land you in jail
 Nobody is suggesting you use Andy, Sid and the gang as your au-pairs... although wouldn’t that be nice? But if you have a can of alphabet spaghetti (or a bottle of wine) to open it might just shut them up for five minutes.
There is plenty of time for expensive haircuts
 The day will come when they will want a ‘style’, just like we do. But until then, pack them off to the barber’s with your other half, or buy a pair of hairdressing scissors from the chemist.
If they don't like it, add ketchup
 Not on absolutely everything - let’s draw the line at cereal. But if they are moaning about their dinner, and it will help it end up in their tummy rather than the bin, squirt on a bit of tomato sauce. Go on, you know you want to...
A little bribery goes a long way
 ‘If you do this (good thing), you will get this (nice toy)’. ‘If you do this (bad thing) you will not get this (nice toy)’. Try looking after a two-year-old, then come back and tell us this didn’t help.
Life's too short for sewing on nametags
 There is no place for chain-stitched initials on your children’s clothing. And in fact if you can’t even be bothered with a nametag, why not just get a heavy-duty pen and write their name on the washing instructions? Job done.
It is not 1972: you do not have to change nappies every half hour
 When nappies consisted of an old towel, some pins and a pair of rubber pants it was prudent for the poor child’s comfort to change them as often as possible. These days nappies cost about a fiver each and are designed to stay on for longer than 30 minutes. Fact.
Food in tins, jars and packets will not kill them
 Of course fresh, home cooked food is better. We all know that. But we are not machines. And if we get in late after being stuck in a traffic jam and have nothing else in the house, alphabet spaghetti will do just fine.
Doggy bags are not just for Americans
 You’ve just spent a month’s salary on two kids’ menus in your favourite restaurant. One child is busy talking to a fellow Buzz Lightyear fan on another table, and the other has fallen asleep. You’ve paid for the food – now take it home.
Dry shampoo will buy you an extra hour a week
 Mums don’t wash their hair every day. Well, none of the ones I know do. Thankfully, dry shampoo has made a comeback and it’s not the powder your granny used to use. Thank you, Batiste.
Babies do not care what colour their clothes are
 If your little girl has just vomited and pooed herself through every pink item in the house, she will not develop ‘gender issues’ if you put her in that Bob the Builder babygro. It is clean, it is dry, it is therefore OK.