Happy Mother's Day: Our favourite quotes from famous mums

"WHEN my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job." So said comedienne Roseanne Barr.

While fellow funnywoman and mum Victoria Wood once said: "Real mothers think sex is like full-time employment - it's a nice idea but it'll never happen again in their lifetime."

Most mothers would agree that while being a mum is wonderful - it can also be a mixed blessing.

To mark Mother's Day we've put together 20 fun and poignant quotes from writers and celebrities on the subject of motherhood. Dare you not to smile at some of these!

More on Parentdish: Our favourite on-screen mums

Wise words on motherhood

“You’re not a mother until you’ve had nits.” TV star Coleen Nolan
“I was not a classic mother...I didn’t bake cookies. You can buy cookies, but you can’t buy love.” Actress Raquel Welch
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.” Actress Phyllis Diller
“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.” Author Fran Lebowitz
“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” Comedienne Rita Rudner
“Having a baby is like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can't say, 'Oh, sod it, bring it through the French windows.'" Comedienne Victoria Wood
“You can’t qualify in the subject but you’re expected to have a vast number of qualifications: chauffer, diplomat, vet, clown, Blue Peter presenter, chef, paramedic, critic, referee, weapons inspector, therapist, computer expert, liar.” Actress Imogen Stubbs
“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." Author Tenneva Jordan
"The first time you leave your child at school you're faced with a tough decision - down the pub or back to bed?” Comedienne Jo Brand
"There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”  Poet Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." Actress Sophia Loren
"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease." American writer Lisa Alther
“Nothing will ever make you as happy or sad, as proud or as tired as motherhood.” Author Elia Parsons
"A mother “is a nutritionist, a child psychologist, an engineer, a production manager, an expert buyer, all in one.” Anthropologist Margaret Mead
“Motherhood is “having someone else to blame when there is a rude smell in the air.” Actress Jane Horrocks
“You know you really are a mother when: you use your own saliva to clean your child's face; your child throws up and you catch it.” Humorist Erma Bombeck
“The story of a mother’s life: Trapped between a scream and a hug.” Cartoonist Cathy Guisewite
“Motherhood is not for the fainthearted. Frogs, skinned knees, and the insults of teenage girls are not meant for the wimpy.” Author Danielle Steel
“Never being number one in your list of priorities and not minding at all.” Model and designer Jasmine Guinness
“Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help mom with the dishes.” Writer P.J. O’Rourke