The 10 commandments of British mums

The 10 commandments of British mums Alamy

If I have to read another smug piece about Chinese tiger mums or French children never throwing their food, then I'm going to have to take very drastic action: I shall pour myself a glass of wine and have a right laugh about it.

For this is the essence of Brit Mum parenting, a much-maligned approach which actually makes me really proud.

Yes, it's a lackadaisical ethos but that's because we Brit Mums possess an astonishing amount of ingenuity and last minute recovery skills, with a generous side of resourcefulness.

You can sum up it up in one phrase: "Oh, we've run out of food, shall we just take the kids to the pub for tea?"

For the benefit of our international audience who may sneer at our fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants mothering, being a Brit Mum isn't something you slide into. Oh no, it's a movement rigid with rules, honed over time, moulded by the experience of those who went before us.

Don't believe me? Well, here are the 10 Commandments of Brit Mums...

1. Thou Shalt Be Sarcastic. If we don't get a 'please' or a 'thank you', we'll do our very best embarrassing imitation of Harry Enfield's Kevin The Teenager to force some manners out of our kids.

2. Thou Shalt Employ Threats. Not physically, obviously.

Just the type relating to your child's worst fears; if you don't behave, I'm going to kiss you at the school gate or I'll get Dad to do some dancing when your friends are over.

3. Thou Shalt Resort To Cunning. Know your child's Achilles Heel and you can control your children without having to resort to underhand tactics like discipline. If they love playing on the iPad, take it away.

4. And Bribery. We Brit Mums know when to pick our battles. If there's a full-scale tantrum going on, there is no point shouting back. Far better to whisper "sweeeeeeets" in their ear and see how quickly they back down.

5. Plus Hiding. In other cultures, this means teaching your children to stand on their own feet. Our method is far sneakier. We switch the telly on, shove the kids in front of it, then slip away into the bathroom where we lock the door and collect our thoughts over a cuppa.

6. Thou Shalt Fall Back On Freezer Cuisine. So what if our kids make vomit noises when presented with cauliflower and don't eat asparagus? And what's wrong with fish fingers and chips? For goodness sakes, that's why we buy Omega 3 Fishy Shapes and make secret veg sauce for pasta. It makes us feel good knowing we've got one over our children.

7. Thou Shalt Encourage Daddy Time. We like nothing more than getting dad involved in parenting too. Which is why we encourage lots of weekend sporting activities and clubs so he can bond with the kids while we catch up with the soaps on Sky Plus.

8. Thou Shalt Think of Others. Selfless to the max, Brit Mums will always remember to invite the grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents and anyone else who our kids like to the house in the hope they'll take them to the park or offer an impromptu sleepover at theirs.

9. Thou Shalt Support Your Sisters. For example, if you're round your friend's house for tea, the kids are trashing upstairs and you two are finishing off their pizza crusts and her husband walks in, you will shake your head in anger if he asks: "Busy day, then?"
What kind of a question is that? At least he had a lunch hour.

10. Embracing spirituality. Every evening Brit Mums give thanks in a spiritual ceremony involving Sauv Blanc and crisps.

Laura Kemp's first book Mums Like Us, published by Arrow at £6.99, is out February 28. Until then, there's 25% off if you go to www.rbooks.co.uk/mumslikeus and add it to your basket, using the promo code MUMSLIKEUS before you make your purchase.

You can follow her on Twitter @laurajanekemp.

Tongue-in-cheek, but does this ring true for you?

Wise words on motherhood

“You’re not a mother until you’ve had nits.” TV star Coleen Nolan
“I was not a classic mother...I didn’t bake cookies. You can buy cookies, but you can’t buy love.” Actress Raquel Welch
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.” Actress Phyllis Diller
“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.” Author Fran Lebowitz
“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.” Comedienne Rita Rudner
“Having a baby is like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can't say, 'Oh, sod it, bring it through the French windows.'" Comedienne Victoria Wood
“You can’t qualify in the subject but you’re expected to have a vast number of qualifications: chauffer, diplomat, vet, clown, Blue Peter presenter, chef, paramedic, critic, referee, weapons inspector, therapist, computer expert, liar.” Actress Imogen Stubbs
“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." Author Tenneva Jordan
"The first time you leave your child at school you're faced with a tough decision - down the pub or back to bed?” Comedienne Jo Brand
"There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”  Poet Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." Actress Sophia Loren
"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease." American writer Lisa Alther
“Nothing will ever make you as happy or sad, as proud or as tired as motherhood.” Author Elia Parsons
"A mother “is a nutritionist, a child psychologist, an engineer, a production manager, an expert buyer, all in one.” Anthropologist Margaret Mead
“Motherhood is “having someone else to blame when there is a rude smell in the air.” Actress Jane Horrocks
“You know you really are a mother when: you use your own saliva to clean your child's face; your child throws up and you catch it.” Humorist Erma Bombeck
“The story of a mother’s life: Trapped between a scream and a hug.” Cartoonist Cathy Guisewite
“Motherhood is not for the fainthearted. Frogs, skinned knees, and the insults of teenage girls are not meant for the wimpy.” Author Danielle Steel
“Never being number one in your list of priorities and not minding at all.” Model and designer Jasmine Guinness
“Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help mom with the dishes.” Writer P.J. O’Rourke