Rex
Hmm. I don't know about you but when my husband says "you look nice today", I'm immediately suspicious.
So what makes a mum happy?
For the benefit of every other half out there, here's my Top 25 Ways To A Mum's Heart...
1. When your bloke takes the kids out for lunch on a Saturday so you get a couple of hours to yourself. But a glory run to Pizza Hut will not do. If he makes sure they get some veg down them - so you have one mealtime off the relentless begging process to eat their greens - then that's enough to bring a smile to your face.
2. Making mad passionate morning love - and making the bed afterwards.
3. For him to do the lunch boxes, wait in for the repair man and Hoover the stairs - without being asked.
4. Not to make fake choking noises when you've been to the loo. Also not to announce "I'd leave it for 10 minutes" after he's been to the loo.
5. To take all that stuff to the tip before the kids discover you're chucking out your son's broken scooter and your daughter's ancient trike.
6. Giving flowers without an accompanying moan over how expensive they were.
7. Being given chocolates without being told they were on special.
8. To assume, just once, that you will go into work and he will stay at home to look after a poorly child.
9. Control of the remote for an entire evening. Minus a running critical commentary of "what a load of rubbish". Plus a 50-50 split on the Sky Plus memory rather than being reprimanded when that period drama takes up 1% and he refuses to delete those special Match Of The Day episodes from three seasons ago.
10. Kisses and cuddles. From him and the kids.
11. For your man to automatically get the washing in when it starts raining. Then hang it on the radiators to dry. And fold it and put it away.
Rex
12. A healthy-ish non red meat-based meal when he cooks. Followed by a deliciously fattening pudding. Without mentioning the irony.
13. When he steps in to calm everyone down while you're flying off the handle because the kids are playing up and you've had a long day. And backing you up when they whine: "It's not fair!"
14. Him not suggesting you take up exercise and eat less when you're having a fat day.
15. When you're introduced to people by name rather than simply as "my wife".
16. Birthdays being remembered. To make us ecstatic, all he needs to do is buy presents for his family members' birthdays without having to be reminded the day before.
17. When he welcomes friends and sticks around for a chat like an adult rather than nodding silently and skulking off like a teenager.
18. Being 'allowed' to pack the car for a week away without being criticised for wasting that 1cm of space right at the back of the boot so it all has to be unloaded and repacked again.
19. A family day out without any arguments.
20. Spa vouchers.
21. For your husband to tell you any gossip they've procured as soon as they know it rather than announce "oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that" when you think you're sharing an exclusive bit of tittle-tattle.
22. Sitting down on the toilet and finding a new toilet roll on the holder rather than a cardboard tube.
23. Decent sausages for the BBQ rather than those lumps of lard which he bought because they were cheap.
24. To not be the only one in the house who notices and responds to a dangerously low level of milk, cheese, bread and fruit.
25. For your husband to read this and apply all of the above.
Do these apply to you and your other half?
What's the single thing your husband can do for you that makes your heart go all aflutter? (Telling you he's emptied the dishwasher does not count!)
What not to say to mums
- 'I didn't know you were pregnant again!'<p> You might have a bit of <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/06/23/match-the-celebrity-mum-to-her-post-baby-tum/" target="_blank">mum tum,</a> but you, really, really don’t need anyone to point this out, let alone imply you’re expecting another baby. We suggest a cutting remark back, something like, ‘yes, but not twins like you, you must be thrilled!’ will do the trick.</p>
- 'She's beautiful, but doesn't look much like you, does she?'<p> Don’t rise to this one, it’s harmless, but can certainly hurt your feelings. Remember your baby is exactly that - you made her, and you’ve got the stretch marks to prove it!</p>
- 'Are you sure the way he's doing that is normal? I haven't seen other babies do it'<p> Of course, you’re not sure if it’s normal, or if your child is completely off the scale for oddness and has a life of anti-social behaviour stretching out in front of him. But actually you'd just thought it was sweet until then - and the last thing you want to do is discuss it.</p>
- 'Do you actually work or are you just at home with the kids?'<p> This one usually comes from someone without children, who has never done a night feed, morning routine and entire day with small people hanging off them and hasn’t a clue that yes, you work, every minute of every day, and usually through the night too. Suggest a ‘swap day’ where they look after your little ones and you head to their office. They’ll be begging for 9-5 back before you’ve even left the house.</p>
- 'You must be so busy!'<p> Yes, so please go home or help me.</p>
- 'Is it time for another?'<p> You’ve only just got your body and brain back from the first, and someone suggests this ridiculous idea.</p>
- 'What a beautiful boy!' (when you have a girl)<p> This one is inevitable, especially if you have a bald baggy in practical clothes. You'll get used to saying 'she' she's a girl' wearily. You really do not need to festoon your baby in pink and bows if you don't want to.</p>
- 'You've got that real mumsy look about you now'<p> You always said you’d never turn into a ‘mumsy mum’ and now someone has come right out and confirmed your fears. If this comes from someone younger and with anything less than a size 10 waist, you have permission to de-friend without delay.</p>
- 'If that was my child I'd...'<p> We don’t care! Like every good parenting book states, every child is different, so keep your bragging and comparisons to yourself thank you very much.</p>
- 'How much sleep are you getting?'<p> Ok, so the yawning and dark circles might give it away, but whoever asks this is clearly expecting a horror story answer. Give them one and enjoy the reaction quicker than you can say ‘eye bags’.</p>
- 'Don't you worry about what he's eating?'<p> Yes, constantly. The cupboards are stocked with every organic, free-from, no nasties, no preservatives children’s food on the market, costing a small fortune. But right now, cake is all that keeps the peace. And no, you can’t have any.</p>
- 'Poor little thing, does she need a feed?'<p> This is thoroughly unhelpful, especially if said in the middle of a supermarket, or on any overcrowded public transport. A scathing look should suffice.</p>
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