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My local hairdresser charges £15 for a child's hair cut. Fifteen pounds. Per child. Not only is £15 for a child who thinks pink Barbie T-shirts are the height of fashion a complete waste of money, but dreadful DIY haircuts are currency later in life. Get the scissors out and remember to take a photo – the mere threat of showing them to their friends will work far better than any grounding or stoppage of pocket money.
2. Laughing when your child falls over
Having kids is slap stick central and there is nothing more comical (well apart from putting socks on a dog. Seriously, try it. Funniest thing you'll ever do) than when your child runs into the wall or falls off the back of the sofa. Even if they are bleeding - it's still funny. Oh come on, you know you laughed too.
3. Blaming your kids
Half eaten packet of biscuits in your shopping trolley? Must be the kids' fault. House a complete tip when people come round to visit? I just tidied up half an hour ago, I don't know what's wrong with my kids today. We have to put up with all the cleaning, washing and spending that goes along with kids the least we should get out of it is a ready made scapegoat in times of embarrassment.
4. Eating your children's sweets
Children are fantastic, they are the perfect excuse to have a constant supply of sweets, biscuits and chocolate in the house. And eating the occasional packet or two for them is really only helping them - think of their teeth and dig in.
5. Lying to your children
Having children is basically an agreement to lie to the ones you love for the rest of their lives: Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, I missed you too, you're my favourite, you must have eaten them all (see above).
6. Not liking their friends
Let's face it, as opposed to your own children who are wonderful little bundles of fabulousness, other people's children are horrid, aren't they? Okay, so all children are quite horrid, but you're kind of contractually liable to love your own. Everyone else's, not so much.
7. Working
As lovely as children are (well, your own at least) there is nothing quite like that feeling of freedom as you wave them goodbye and go back to the world in which your chief role is not to wipe up superfluous fluids that leak from your child and be used as a climbing frame; a world in which you are known as something other than muu-uuuuum.
8. Not working
Sure you'd love to escape the little darlings for a few hours a day and yes you would like to be able to afford to shop at somewhere other than Lidl occasionally, but work? Really? When are you supposed to fit that in exactly? Those people that wonder what stay at home mums do all day have clearly never seen a one man band – each limb doing a separate job all at the same time.
9. Hiding the good biscuits/ice cream/chocolates
Whilst having children makes you feel justified in filling your shopping trolley with delicious goodies, it does not make you obligated to actually give them to your children. Let them have the nasty penny chews and save the decent stuff for yourself; behind the tins of peas or under the salad are the best spots.
10. Buying their birthday presents from the £1 shop
Buying your children's friends presents from the pound shop is a no brainer - why waste your hard earned money on someone else's child? But your own child's? Oh yes. Because the next time your child breaks the dratted thing five minutes after opening it you can rest easy that you haven't spent a fortune.
Why not try our savvy time and sanity saving tricks to make family life a breeze...
Savvy sanity savers
- Dummies are nothing to be ashamed of<p> They will not go on their first date with a dummy in their mouth. So relax, and if your auntie looks at you as if you have joined the circus, point out to her that the <a href="http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/index.htm" target="_blank">Department of Health </a>now tells us that ‘it is possible that using a dummy at the start of any sleep period reduces the risk of cot death’. So there.</p>
- Change the 3-second rule to the 3-minute rule<p> Let’s face it, if they eat the soil out of the garden and tuck into random things they find on the pavement, they can cope with whatever’s on your kitchen floor. And your floor is a lot cleaner than the pavement, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?</p>
- If it stops a tantrum, the lady at the checkout won't mind<p> If you don’t want to leave the supermarket with a pounding headache and a bagful of random items that won’t make a meal, sometimes you will need to open those Malted Milks before you get to the till. The general public will thank you for it.</p>
- The baby wipe is your best friend<p> Any self-respecting short-cutter will know that baby wipes are not merely for bottoms. They are for snot, dirty hands, eye makeup, carpet spills... oh and they make an excellent and cheap alternative to dry-cleaning.</p>
- Charity shops are as good as toy shops, if not better<p> Once you discover the joy of taking your kids to charity shops you will never look back. Toys, clothes, DVDs... They have a different range every visit, they are cheap as chips, they are ethically sound. What’s not to like?</p>
- Switching on CBeebies will not land you in jail<p> Nobody is suggesting you use Andy, Sid and the gang as your au-pairs... although wouldn’t that be nice? But if you have a can of alphabet spaghetti (or a bottle of wine) to open it might just shut them up for five minutes.</p>
- There is plenty of time for expensive haircuts<p> The day will come when they will want a ‘style’, just like we do. But until then, pack them off to the barber’s with your other half, or buy a pair of hairdressing scissors from the chemist.</p>
- If they don't like it, add ketchup<p> Not on absolutely everything - let’s draw the line at cereal. But if they are moaning about their dinner, and it will help it end up in their tummy rather than the bin, squirt on a bit of tomato sauce. Go on, you know you want to...</p>
- A little bribery goes a long way<p> ‘If you do this (good thing), you will get this (nice toy)’. ‘If you do this (bad thing) you will not get this (nice toy)’. Try looking after a two-year-old, then come back and tell us this didn’t help.</p>
- Life's too short for sewing on nametags<p> There is no place for chain-stitched initials on your children’s clothing. And in fact if you can’t even be bothered with a nametag, why not just get a heavy-duty pen and write their name on the washing instructions? Job done.</p>
- It is not 1972: you do not have to change nappies every half hour<p> When nappies consisted of an old towel, some pins and a pair of rubber pants it was prudent for the poor child’s comfort to change them as often as possible. These days nappies cost about a fiver each and are designed to stay on for longer than 30 minutes. Fact.</p>
- Food in tins, jars and packets will not kill them<p> Of course fresh, home cooked food is better. We all know that. But we are not machines. And if we get in late after being stuck in a traffic jam and have nothing else in the house, alphabet spaghetti will do just fine.</p>
- Doggy bags are not just for Americans<p> You’ve just spent a month’s salary on two kids’ menus in your favourite restaurant. One child is busy talking to a fellow Buzz Lightyear fan on another table, and the other has fallen asleep. You’ve paid for the food – now take it home.</p>
- Dry shampoo will buy you an extra hour a week<p> Mums don’t wash their hair every day. Well, none of the ones I know do. Thankfully, dry shampoo has made a comeback and it’s not the powder your granny used to use. Thank you, Batiste.</p>
- Babies do not care what colour their clothes are<p> If your little girl has just vomited and pooed herself through every pink item in the house, she will not develop ‘gender issues’ if you put her in that Bob the Builder babygro. It is clean, it is dry, it is therefore OK.</p>
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