I wonder if ever there has been a uterus more widely discussed than that of Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge
. Yes, OK, there probably has been: Princess Diana's for one and, more recently, Jennifer Aniston's.
But the whole world, it seems, is now on round-the-clock royal womb watch: is that a bump or just a big lunch?
That's a rather large clutch bag is it not? Is her face a little fuller? Is her posterior a little wider? Does she have a certain 'glow'? OH COME ON! Is she or isn't she?! And if she isn't, WHY ISN'T SHE??
Oh my goodness, we are obsessed
! How must it feel to have millions of people speculating on, in fact slathering at, her womb and the contents thereof?!
Of course, the last year and a half or so have given us myriad opportunities to gorge ourselves on all things royal even more than usual. First William and Kate's engagement was announced, then there was the build up to the wedding, then the wedding itself, then the honeymoon – and this year's Jubilee festivities have provided the perfect opportunity for lots of navel gazing. That would be Kate's navel, obviously.
Naturally people are interested (I mean, we love an opportunity to get our Union Jacks out, don't we?) and a woman in her position – a woman who carries the responsibility of producing yet another heir to the throne, a woman who is already (gasp!) 30 – must expect a fair amount of commentary.
But the absolutely massive amount of attention being given to the subject in celeb magazines, the constant and unrelenting scrutiny of Kate's waistline and the ridiculous claims
being made by 'insiders' are just starting to seem a bit icky.
Some international 'news' sites are going as far as actually revealing a royal pregnancy – presumably with their fingers tightly crossed that an imminent announcement will prove them right. One rather nauseating online report included this:
'"Prince William and Princess Kate [sic] recently spent over 15 hours in the Royal Babymaking Suite at Buckingham Palace,' said Royal butler, Thomas Hillstrom. 'They spent quite a lot of time 'enjoying' each other's company.'"
Er (or should that be 'blurgh'), just the fact they're unable to give Kate her correct title rather suggests a lack of 'insider knowledge' if you ask me (and has anyone in the UK ever heard of a Royal Babymaking Suite within the walls of Buck House?! Heavens!). Nevertheless, I expect their outrageous headline 'Kate Middleton is pregnant' scored them a good number of hits.
Elsewhere, the last few days have seen other sites claiming to have the 'first photos of Kate's baby bump' with 'a witness' claiming 'it was prominent enough to cast a shadow'.
And as for the magazine which seemed to suggest a royal baby was imminent because tHer Majesty The Queen has advised William and Kate to 'concentrate on starting a family', well, we're BOUND to have news any second then, aren't we? There's nothing more likely to lead to a baby than having your grandma tell you to go and get busy.
As I write this, The Duchess of Cambridge might well be pregnant (and if she is, could we not just allow her to keep it to herself for a while, like almost every other first time mum does?)...or she might not be. Either way, I think she's fabulous, always demonstrating incredible poise despite her baying public.
If I was her, pregnant or otherwise, I'd take every opportunity to surreptitiously pat my tummy in view of the paparazzi.
I'd rush to the toilets on official visits and come back dabbing my mouth. I'd politely refuse alcohol, peanuts
, king prawns and soft cheeses. I'd wind 'em up and reel 'em in and then let it slip to an 'insider' I had decided to call my firstborn RustyRockets.
But then I, unlike serene, calm and unflappable Kate, would make a truly terrible royal. Whenever she decides to have, or announce, a baby, I wish her the very best. But I'll keep my flag in the drawer 'til it's official.
See our pics of celebs who really are pregnant:
- Jessica Simpson
<p>Just seven months after welcoming baby Maxwell, Jessica and partner, Eric Johnson are said to be <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2012/11/28/jessica-simpson-pregnant-with-second-child-just-seven-months-after-giving-birth-maxwell-drew/" target="_blank">expecting their second baby.</a></p>
- David Tennant and Georgia Moffett
Doctor Who star David announced he and wife Georgia were <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/01/07/david-tennant-reveals-expecting-second-baby-on-jonathan-ross-show/" target="_blank">expecting their third baby</a> together on the Jonathan Ross show. The couple already have a daughter, Olive, who was born in March, 2011, and David adopted Georgia’s son Tyler in December 2011.</p>
- Fabrice Muamba
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">Fabrice Muamba - the footballer who 'died' of a heart attack in front of millions of football fans last year – is to </span><a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/01/23/fabrice-muamba-to-become-a-dad-again/" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;" target="_blank">become a dad again</a><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">. </span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">The 24-year-old ex-Bolton midfielder and his wife Shauna are said to be 'elated' to be expecting a second child, due in June.</span></p>
- Michael Buble and Luisana Lopilato
Singer Michael and his model wife Luisana <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/01/24/michael-buble-and-luisana-lopilato-expecting-first-baby/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cuk%7Cdl6%7Csec3_lnk4%26pLid%3D148701" target="_blank">announced they were expecting their first baby</a> with a very cute video blog which showed off their scan picture. Awww!</p>
- Paddy McGuinness and wife Christine Martin
Take Me Out host <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/01/10/paddy-mcguinness-and-wife-christine-martin-expecting-twins/#photo-9" target="_blank">Paddy and wife Christine are expecting twins in the summer.</a> <span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">In a suitably Paddy-style statement, the TV presenter's spokesperson said: "Paddy McGuinness and wife Christine are thrilled and delighted to be expecting not one but two babies this year.</span></p>
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">"The twins are due in the Summer, both Paddy and Christine are extremely excited to be starting a family. Let the belly see the bump!"</span></div>
- Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin, 54, is expecting his first baby with new wife Hilaria, who is 26 years his junior. Alec has a teenage daughter, Ireland, with ex-wife Kim Basinger. </p>
- Penelope Cruz
Actress Penelope and husband Javier Bardem are expecting their second baby in the summer. They are already proud parents to Leo, two. </p>
Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie announced she was expecting her first baby with husband Josh Duhamel on Twitter, saying: "Josh & Me & BABY makes three!!! #mylovelybabybump."</p>
- Alan Halsall and Lucy-Jo Hudson
Corrie couple Alan and Lucy-Jo are expecting their <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/02/18/corrie-couple-alan-halsall-and-lucy-jo-hudson-to-become-first-time-parents/" target="_blank">first baby together</a> in Summer 2013. Alan, who still plays Tyrone on the Street, tweeted the good news, saying: "My wife @LucyJo_Hudson & I are very excited to announce that we are expecting our 1st child. Xx We are both over the moon! Xxx"</p>
- Katie Price
Katie and new husband Kieran Hayler <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/02/24/katie-price-pregnant-five-weeks-after-marrying-new-man-kieran-hayler/" target="_blank">announced they were expecting their first baby</a> together five weeks after getting hitched. Katie is already mum to Harvey, Junior and Princess Tiaami. </p>
- Danielle Lloyd and Jamie O'Hara
Model Danielle <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/02/26/pregnant-danielle-lloyd-and-jamie-ohara-expecting-third-baby/" target="_blank">announced she was expecting her third baby</a> in an interview with Closer magazine. Danielle and her footballer husband Jamie are already parents to Archie, two, and Harry, 19 months. </p>
- Jennifer Ellison
Actress Jennifer Ellison has announced she is <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/03/19/jennifer-ellison-five-months-pregnant-with-miracle-second-baby/" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;" target="_blank">expecting her second baby</a><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;"> with husband Robbie Tickle. </span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 12pt;">The former Brookside and Dancing on Ice star revealed her happy news to Now magazine, calling her pregnancy a 'miracle' after fertility struggles. </span></p>
Model Caprice, 41, is <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/05/03/caprice-is-pregnant-model-expecting-her-first-baby-at-41/" target="_blank">expecting her first baby</a> with partner Ty Comfort.
- Tina Malone
Shameless actress Tina Malone <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/05/16/shameless-actress-tina-malone-pregnant-with-ivf-baby-at-50/" target="_blank">is pregnant following IVF treatment at 50.</a> The Shameless star, 50, and her husband Paul Chase - who is 19 years her junior - conceived following egg donation in India.
- Frankie Sandford
The Saturdays singer <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/05/02/frankie-sandford-is-pregnant-saturdays-star-announces-baby-news-fiance-wayne-bridge/" target="_blank">announced she was expecting her first baby on Twitter.</a> Frankie - who is engaged to footballer Wayne Bridge - tweeted: "Some big news from me today! Wayne and I are having a baby. We are both SO happy and can't wait for his or hers arrival!"
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
Actress Jennifer, 35, is <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/06/05/pregnant-jennifer-love-hewitt-is-expecting-her-first-baby-with-brian-hallisay/" target="_blank">expecting her first baby</a> with boyfriend Brian Hallisay.
- Kate Winslet
Kate and new husband Ned Rocknroll are <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2013/06/04/kate-winslet-is-pregnant-with-her-third-baby/" target="_blank">expecting their first baby together</a>. Kate is already mum to Mia, 12, and Joe, nine, from previous relationships.