Choose your words very carefully during this trying time and you might...just might.... be forgiven for everything she's going through. Say one thing out of place.... and you're a daddy
1. You look knackered...
She's suffered agony for hours, has been prodded around like a stuck pig, has pushed, strained, wept and hasn't slept for what seems like weeks, so - as you take that first sweaty picture
of her with her tiny little bundle of pride and joy - be very careful what you say. She's more than aware she's not a match for Megan Fox right now, but stating the bleedin' obvious by telling her she looks wrecked won't win you any favours. Instead cross your fingers - and lie. "You look amazing," "You're the most gorgeous mum
ever...." These kinds of compliments are more likely to instill in her anything close to the desire to allow you to touch her again within the next couple of years.
2. His head looks like a rugby ball...
Or, "He looks like he's done a few rounds in the boxing ring" or "Blimey, do you think she'll grow into those ears?" Even a lighthearted joke about your baby's hair looking like Ann Widdecombe's won't go down in the spirit it's intended and could result in buckets of tears or a grudge she'll hold for years (and which will be brought up during every subsequent argument you ever have.) To her, this baby is the most perfect and gorgeous thing
ever to have graced the earth. So, no matter what you really think about the cosmetic merits of the squashed little chap or chapette who's just cascaded into your world, it's your duty to heap adoring praise on his or her handsome looks. "He's beautiful" is all you need to know.
3. I'm starving
She's just gone hours upon hours without so much as a sip of tepid water passing her teeth, so don't even dare to bring your pathetic bodily needs into the equation. Slip out of the room if you need to and guzzle secretly on that Mars Bar that's been burning a hole in your pocket (make sure you wipe your mouth well afterwards – all women can smell chocolate from a far way off). But don't dare to eat (and god forbid, enjoy) anything in front of her until she's been served up that cup of tea and toast by the midwives that she's been gasping for since she went into established labour. Asking for a share of said toast is sacrilege, by the way, and suggesting you have a sip of her tea could result in understandably rottweiler-like behaviour from her. She's earned it. You haven't. Honestly. You haven't.
4. I've got a headache...
"And I feel sick. Do you think it might be a brain tumour? Maybe the midwife could take a look at me....". Trust me when I tell you that sharing your aches, pains and health concerns
with a woman (or midwife) during labour will not result in the sympathetic reaction and mopped brow that you're looking for (especially if said headache and nausea is probably the result of swiping a little too much of her gas and air). Suffering in silence and taking it like a man is your best bet. Unless you fancy being on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse from her that will make you feel less of a man than you really are. You get my drift?
5. I'm exhausted...
Oh really? Oh REALLY? May I politely suggest that this will be the very, very worse thing you can ever say to a woman who's just slogged away for hours giving birth. Don't even yawn in front of her. Stifle it. She will want to hurt you for any signs of fatigue you show so stay out of reach and duck for cover if you feel a weary stretch coming on. At the very least expect a torrent of abuse, which will, as above, make you feel less of a man than you really are...
6. These seats are so uncomfortable....
"You'd think they could put out some comfy sofas in the delivery suites when we have to sit here for so long..." Complaining about your own comfort when she feels like she's sitting on burning coals with a hot poker placed somewhere unnecessary will not elicit any words of understanding from her. Again, suffering in silence is the best option – and if you really cared about her, you'd stick some long sharp pins all over your body voodoo-style just to show her that you're with her on this journey.
7. Could you keep the noise down, love...I've got a hangover...
If anything is likely to make her turn up the volume (and add a few expletives to her repertoire), it's you complaining about said volume in the first place. So no matter how much she screams, yells or caterwauls, your job is to hold her hand, mop her brow and grit your teeth through the din, hung-over or not. You shouldn't have had that extra pint anyway. We have no sympathy for you.
8. Do you thinkyou'll be much longer?
Expect a slap for this unless your missus is Mother Theresa herself.
9. I wonder what the football score is?
No, no, no. No matter how much you're missing real-life, you must resist the temptation to indicate to your lady that you have any interest whatsoever in what is going on outside of this delivery suite. Your sole focus in life is her and her contractions. There is no enjoyment for you outside of this room. You must suffer with her every step of the way. You care about nothing else. Not football, rugby, cricket, or the pub. Not food, drink, or worldwide current affairs. It's all about her. Remember that.
10. Does it hurt, darling?
Now that's just silly, isn't it?
- Jet-setting dads
Adopted son <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/06/02/elton-john-and-david-furnish-jet-off-with-baby-zachary/" target="_blank">Zachary</a> is clearly enjoying the high life with dads Elton John and David Furnish. Here he is being whisked away on hols with the doting pair. The couple are also parents to baby Elijah, who was born on January 11 2013. </p>
- Jamie gets honest
‘Home life is a reversal of work. I used to be polite about it but, really, I’m their bitch.’<br />
Jamie Oliver knows his place in his house of three girls, Poppy, Daisy and Petal, and new arrival, Buddy Bear.</p>
- Testing times
‘It's awful as I can't take the pain away. I make sure Jade is a big presence in our house, and I'm always very honest and open about talking about her as it's the best way for them to deal with it.’<br />
<a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/05/13/jeff-brazier-i-cant-take-the-pain-away-boys-miss-mum-Jade-Goody/" target="_blank">Jeff Brazier</a> tells Parentdish how he helps his boys Freddie and Bobby deal with their mum’s death.</p>
- Wise words from Mr President
‘Our <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2010/07/14/michelle-obama-exclusive-interview-healthy-eating/" target="_blank">kids </a>understand that life won't always be perfect, that times get tough and that even great parents don't get everything right. More than anything, they just want us to be there-to be present, to care about their lives.’<br />
Barak Obama, dad to Sasha and Malia.</p>
- Sweet words
‘I’m in the happiest place I’ve ever been in my life. I never had more amazing things happen.’<br />
Nick Cannon couldn’t hide his joy after becoming a first time dad when Mariah Carey welcomed their twins, <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/05/04/mariah-careys-twins-names-revealed/" target="_blank">Moroccan and Monroe. </a></p>
- Sweet tweet
‘My wife Pink owns my heart. And she just gave me my best achievement of my life -Willow Sage Hart. Medals and flips got nothing on her.’<br />
Pink’s husband, Carey Hart, takes to Twitter to show his love for his wife and new baby, <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/06/03/pink-welcomes-baby-willow-sage/" target="_blank">Willow Sage. </a></p>
- Matching moment
Uber-cool dad Gavin Rossdale took his little lads, Kingston and Zuma (his children with Gwen Stefani) to a film premier rocking some very trendy specs.</p>
- Devoted dad
‘Is it possible to love two girls at once?’ P Diddy asked his Twitter fans, referring to his twin daughters D'Lila Star and Jessie.</p>
- Matt's kept on his toes
‘Vida is walking, so we’re busy - not much time for us to daydream, because if you look up at the sky for about 10 seconds they’re a half-mile down the road.’<br />
Matthew McConaughey, dad to Levi and Vida.</p>
- Realistic expectations
‘Man, if I can get a burp out of that little thing I feel such a sense of accomplishment.’ Brad Pitt, dad to Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and twins, Knox and Vivienne.</p>
- Carry all dad
Here’s Tom Cruise scurrying along with daughter Suri, dodging the paps across the pond. While we love Tom’s devotion and all that, we’re more impressed that Suri is actually wearing <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/05/31/suri-cruise-steps-out-in-heels-on-the-beach/" target="_blank">FLAT shoes!</a></p>
- New daddy
‘It’s the best thing. I can highly recommend it.’<br />
Orlando Bloom, dad to Flynn.</p>
- We heart Johnny!
‘Certain things about Hollywood used to make me angry - now I go ‘Oh p*** off I’m going to play Barbies with my daughter.’'<br />
Johnny Depp, dad to Lily-Rose and Jack.</p>
- Caring clichés
‘I love being a father. It’s wonderful. It’s changed my life. It all sounds like platitudes and clichés, and that’s because they’re the truth.’<br />
Ben Affleck, dad to Violet and Seraphina.</p>
- Father and son bonding
‘J is kicking my butt on Playstation. Ouch .’<br />
Beaten by a five year old, not cool Peter Andre…</p>
- Cool dad
Here’s Will Smith, dad to Jaden and Willow, having a laugh on the red carpet at the premier of Karate Kid. Not sure who is having the most fun here…</p>
Posh made us all swoon when she tweeted this ridiculously <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2011/08/07/victoria-beckham-tweets-more-pictures-of-new-baby-harper-seven/" target="_blank">cute shot</a> of Becks snuggled up with their new baby, Harper Seven with the message: ‘I took this beautiful picture and wanted to share it with you, baby Harper cuddling Daddy!’</p>
- Rob's the daddy
When new dad Robbie William's announced the birth of his daughter Theodora Rose (to be known as Teddy), we couldn't wait for the first photo. The Take That star didn't disappoint, <a href="http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2012/09/21/robbie-williams-shares-first-photo-of-baby-teddy/" target="_blank">posting this gorgeous shot</a> on his official website. All together now...awwww! </p>